The stupidest thing they do at the airport is ask you those questions about your baggage. Tonight at the Delta Airlines ticketing
booth I was asked, for a second time in as many weeks, the following question:
”Have you received anything from strangers?”
The question is opened ended. There is no timespan in the question. Do you mean EVER? Am I supposed to just guess
that they mean today? Isn’t my trying to guess what they mean a bad thing? And, well, what do you
mean by a stranger? I have a lot of receipts in my wallet. I didn’t really know the cashiers that gave them to me. So, yes,
I have in fact received something from a stranger. I have some junk mail and some bills in my luggage. I know that my bank
mailed them to me, but I don’t really know who specifically did the mailing, which pretty much makes that person a stranger.
Come to think of it, all of the clothes I am wearing were bought from a store. I can honestly say that the sales clerk that
sold me these clothes was a stranger. The people who made them are strangers. What about my luggage?
How much of anything that we own have we not received from strangers? If we buy something from a stranger, does that preclude them
from this question? What about gifts? True, a gift doesn’t come from a stranger.
But where did your good buddy who gave you the gift get it from? That’s right. Stranger!
Has this question EVER resulted in successfully thwarting any sort of malicious activity?
Where are all of the headlines in the papers that say, ”Illegal activity averted thanks to clever questions asked by ticketing agent.”
This is not a joke. This is serious business. Other ticketing agents in the past have asked me a more specific question:
”Have your bags been within your control since you’ve packed them?” Now THAT is a good question. The other
question asking if I have EVER received ANYTHING from a stranger has got to be the STUPIDEST question to ask, ever.
Of course, I was punished for raising a stink about this. They forced me to go through the Giant Suitcase Sniffy Machine in the corner of the
terminal. I was also re-searched
before I was allowed to get on the plane. For some reason the metal detector at the regular security gate was going off whenever they
put the wand under my armpits. The security chick asked if I had any metal under my arms. ”My underarm deodorant has aluminum
in it.” ”Really?” she asked. ”Yessss.” I love the airport.


The torsion spring on my garage door snapped yesterday. Cost for repair? About $500. When the spring snapped in two it sounded
like a gunshot going off followed very quickly by the garage door slamming shut and finally the garage door opener grinding its gears trying
tragically to lift the full weight of the door. My roommate didn’t coming running to see if I’d had my ass capped when it broke.
I walked back in and asked if she’d heard
the commotion and she calmly said ”yes” without batting an eye. I must be really tense. I need
to get through all of this home repair business so I can get straight to the Hot Tub purchase. I almost want to put the hot tub in the kitchen.
I don’t like eating at a table in there. I want my hot tub!


I am flying back to the Cincinatti airport where I will have a brief layover. The Starbucks there always
closes down its ”bar” by the time I arrive. Anything that isn’t just normal coffee is what they classify as their bar.
I am considering calling them as soon as the door to the plane opens so I can demand that they
hold a Tall Caramel Apple Cider for me.


I am going to take another stab at writing a skit. I have only written a handful of them in my life although
I have never had enough actors to populate them. I wrote something I’d hoped to get into the Senior Showoffs, a fund raising
show held yearly by seniors at Jersey Village High School. My skit was fairly bad. I probably still have it on my TI Professional
computer from 1984 up in the attic. It is still running MS DOS v5.0 if I remember correctly. It has a 5 1/4 inch floppy drive, too,
so that’s gonna seriously suck. I have some interesting email from the 1980’s that I will share once I do that. Perhaps
during Vacation IV: 2001 which starts December 14th. Be there.


My Houston buddies have been in Vegas since last Thursday. Bastards! What about me, your friend working in Philly? I may just drive to
Atlantic City sometime this week to spite them. Pictures of me having a good time will follow.