It was Monday afternoon, around 3 PM. I was packing my sh*t and getting ready to leave. The land-line phone rang. I call it a land-line ’cause it seems everyone has mobile phones now. Here’s how it went down:


Me: [in my crotchety old man voice] ”Hello!!!”


Voice: ”Hello. This is Discover Card. Is this Mr. Parker?”


Me: ”Wha? HELLO!!!!?”


Voice: ”Sir, this is Discover Card. Is this Mr. Parker?”


Me: ”What do ya want?!”


Discover: ”Sir, we are offering a service for our most valued customers that will allow you to suspend payments to your card for up to two years in the event you are physically unable to make your payment.”


Me: ”WHAT DID I DO WRONG???? TWO YEARS??? I’M OUTRAGED!”


Discover: ”No, sir, you didn’t do anything wrong.”


Me: ”YOU’RE DARN RIGHT I DIDN’T. I’M JUST STANDIN’ HERE!!!”


Discover: ”No, sir, this is a service that we’re offering.”


Me: ”TURNIN’ OFF MY CARD FOR TWO YEARS IS A SERVICE? YOU GUYS GOTTA BE PULLIN’ MAH LEG!!!!”


Discover: ”This is a service called AccountGuard™, sir. And it would only be in the event in which you were unable to pay your card for up to two years.”


Me: ”BUT I FEEL FINE!!! WHAT DID I DO TO YOU GUYS???”


Discover: ”Nothing, sir. We’re just asking if you are interesting in our AccountGuard service.”


Me: ”SOUNDS LIKE A DISSERVICE IF YOU ASK ME. STOPPING MY CREDIT CARD FOR TWO YEARS. TERRIBLE!!!”


Discover: ”Okay, I’ll take that as you’re not interested.”


Me: ”OF COURSE NOT. I NEED MY CARD. I LIKE TO BUY THINGS!!!!”


Discover: ”Sir, you can still use your card to purchase. But in the event unforeseen circumstances made it impossible for you to make your payments…”


Me: ”I BOUGHT ME SOME CRACKERS AND DIET RC LAST NIGHT WITH MY CARD. I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THAT BACK NOW, DO I???”


Discover: [long silence]


Me: ”HELLO???”


Discover: ”Thank you for your time, sir.”


Me: ”DON’T TOUCH MY DISCOVER CARD!! IT’S MINE, DO YA HEAR ME???”


[click]