So I’m watching The Osbournes last night and enjoying the good times. The episode is the season 3 finale and has all the markings of any other episode. Kelly and Sharon are fighting. Jack is going on to everyone about waking up from a deep sleep and getting really violent. ”Does that happen to you,” Jack inquires to everyone who will listen. ”No, not really,” responds everyone who listened. Ozzy is being Ozzy. But then things get… weirder. Sharon tells Kelly that she doesn’t want to be her manager any more. Kelly hears her family bickering over her breakup with Burt and packs her bags and leaves the house. Jack is in a deep sleep when the pomeranian Minnie wakes him up — so while still asleep — Jack picks up the dog and KILLS it. They don’t really show you this, but the next morning Jack is clearly seen putting what appears to be Minnie’s lifeless body into a duffel bag. He makes a hasty exit from the house while you can hear Sharon and Ozzy screaming Minnie’s name, desperate to find their favorite dog. Later, the phone rings. Ozzy picks up and it’s Jack who confesses what he’s done. Ozzy informs Sharon. Sharon screams in agony. Ozzy is shown on the phone again — only this time Sharon is on the other end and telling him that she has to go away for awhile and be alone. Ozzy is now all alone in the house. He goes to the TV. The remote control won’t work and the TV is stuck on The Weather Channel. He screams for Jack. Then for Kelly. Then for Sharon. No answer. He throws his hands up in the air and walks into the bedroom.


Then, something really freaking unusual happens.


An MTV camera man holds up a clapper and yells CUT! Ozzy is suddenly happy and wants to make sure that it’s all over. He just as suddenly is now speaking clearly and concisely with no slurring. How strange. Sharon and Jack and Kelly are then shown standing behind the cameraman. They’re happy that it’s all over. ”It’s the end of season! Yay!” say the Osbournes. Minnie is there. Alive. This whole episode was a PUT-ON! And then — to make you wonder if we’ve really been watching a reality TV show all this time or not — they show the famous scene from the first season where Ozzy says, ”I love you all. I love you more than life itself, but you’re all f***ing mad!” — only this time they show him saying it but flubbing the sentence. A guy steps into frame and says ”Take 2” and Ozzy tries again and again until he *finally* gets it right. I’d thought this was something he’d said off the cuff. Now I’m like, ”What the hell?” What any of it real? Am I in The Matrix? Did they recreate that scene to jack around with my brain?” I have no idea. But I do know one thing — I’m freakin’ there for Season 4. Woo hoo!