I was reading the US Airways in-flight magazine the other day. They had a great article about Jeanne Phillips (a.k.a. Dear Abby) called ”A Friend In Need” which discussed all of the friendship advice she has doled out over the years. She gave a great set of points that you can use to identify the type of friends you might have, as well as the type of friend that you are yourself. I was impressed with how these sized up a lot of my friends so I thought I’d transcribe them for you now. I know that this isn’t as good as a political debate with an Age of Empires playing psycho nut-case, but rest assured I will revert back to my old ways soon enough.
- Know friends from acquaintances. An acquaintance is the one who keeps you posted on ”The Sopranos” and sends you email jokes. A friend is someone you can tell anything to. You can trust that person with your confidence. Friends need to be supportive of your dreams and plans and choices. A friend celebrates your victories with you. And if they’re just a little bit jealous, they fight the urge.
- Be candid. Friends do not nod blankly when the people they care about smoke too much, gamble paychecks, or cling to an abusive situation. A friend has to be someone who can be honest. ”Can I be blunt with you?”
- Cushion your ”honesty.” Do not pass judgment. If you start judging the person, the person will pick up on it and become defensive and tune you out. Let them know you are really on their side when your concern is that they’re going up in flames. Be soothing. Reflect the truth of the friendship without softening your opinion. Be kind.
- Keep your mouth shut. Keep things that are private private. Many of us are not disciplined at this. Do not blab, check up, or chide with an ”I told you so.”
- Beware the pseudo-friend. This includes three types of personalities:
- The Sapper.If you feel the need for a big caffeine jolt at the end of a phone call, you’re probably a victim of the ”sapper” friend — your basic complain-o-matic. These are folks who live in perpetual chaos, refuse advice, blame others, can’t get motivated, and so on. Just being in their presence can drain you. With these people you have to learn to say, ”I’d love to talk, but I’m just too busy right now.” Then hang up.
- The Advice Collector. These particular ”friends” can’t decide on a pair of shoes without consulting half the people in their phone book. They tell everything to everybody. Maybe they’re looking for a consensus. To cope with this type of person, see advice regarding The Sapper.
- The Conversation Hog. This does not include the friend who can’t wait to talk about his latest trip to China. A certain amount of bragging is fine. But it does include the person who can’t then say, ”So, what’s going on with you? Tell me!” If you suspect you’ve been demoted from friend to audience member, call him on it — but do so with a smile on your face. Your friend may not even be aware that he’s doing it.
- The above descriptions can also be self-applied. If friends have been ditching you lately, check the list.
- Give friends room. Friendships aren’t hot house flowers. They’re more like good sturdy maples — the kind of thing you can depend on and enjoy without tending to every day. A good friend doesn’t have to check in every 24 to 48 hours. Time can go by between conversations, but friends can always pick up where they left off. And when the chips are down you know what person will be there for you.
- Treasure acquaintances. They’re the people you have a warm hello with. And who knows? Enough of those warm hellos can eventually morph into a good friendship. The one real difference between a friend and an acquaintance is that a friend is someone who gives back.
