It is usually in times of crisis where you finally figure out who the really stupid people are. Howard Stern. He’s funny, but he’s an idiot. I heard about this redneck
chick in Houston that was telling everyone to ”fill up your gas tank and take your money out of the bank.” Also, I’m hearing about stupid people who are being
jackasses to anyone of Arab descent or anyone who even appears Muslim. Again, this includes Howard Stern, and he seems to be inciting people to do this. On the other
side of this behavior, however, people are being very brotherly (and sisterly) towards one another. We need more of that. Love one another, people. Offer comfort to those
in need. And, in keeping with that thought, if here are any gorgeous women over the age of 21
who need super genius comforting, feel free to contact me to set up a comforting appointment.


My return flight to Houston was canceled today. I’m not looking forward to the trip. The flight number is 911 on one of the legs, so, right there, that’s bad. I’ve
had a couple of ideas about what I would have done if I’d been on one of the doomed flights. Among the possibilities:

• Throw hijackers out of the plane. The ground can break their fall.
• Figure out way to put hijackers into the container that holds the blue toilet water beneath the plane. I’m willing to put them in there piece by piece, if necessary.
• Tie hijackers to a rope and lower them outside of the plane and into one of the engines. Wouldn’t that suck?

Now that flights are taking place again, they have supposedly increased security precautions. From what I’ve heard, however, these are total crap. Among them:

• No unattended vehicles will be allowed curbside at the terminals
• Vehicle parking restrictions are in effect
• No curbside or remote check-in for baggage and passengers
• Only ticketed passengers and badged airport employees will be allowed beyond the passenger security checkpoint
• Increased patrols and security checks
  

This is NOT ENOUGH! Here are my suggested additional guidelines:

• No carry-on luggage of ANY kind. Baby diaper kits are allowed, but must be stringently searched.
• Flight uniforms. That’s right. You don’t get to pick what you want to wear. You have to change out of your clothes and into this uniform.
• Federal Marshall on every flight, without exception. Bonus if the federal marshall is a big mean guy.
• Replace the x-ray security staff with off-duty police officers or fire marshalls. Right now they will hire any bozo who wants a job. In my opinion this should be one
  of the highest paying jobs at the airport and, if a hijacker gets past them when they’re on the clock, they should be held legally responsible.
  Right now they do a crappy job because, frankly, they don’t care. The x-ray security staff are now supposed to report to the FAA directly, but think about this:
  the FAA are the same dimwits that were stupid enough to allow knives ”four inches in length
  or smaller” on any flight! Why do you need a 4 inch knife with you on the plane? Did you plan to do some wood carving? I don’t
  recall the flight attendants ever saying that, upon reaching 10,000 feet, that we could begin using approved electronic devices as well as sculpting wooden horses with
  our 4 inch knives. Duh!

• No spoons or forks on the plane, either. Might as well cover the whole gamut of silverware, for the sake of fairness.
• To compensate for lack of silverware, finger foods will be served from now on.
• Seatbelts that can be electronically latched. Not only can these be used to hold down suspicious people until authorities arrive, anyone drunk and acting like a jackass
  can be easily contained with the flip of a switch. While we’re at it, might as well add shoulder restraints to the seatbelts. Why are these required on a car only?

Also, here are my list of improvements to the plane itself:

• Ejection seat for any pilot seat in order to eject a hijacker from the cockpit (preferrably as painfully as possible).
• TWO INCH reinforced steel doors separating the cockpit from the rest of the plane. If the pilots want to eat or have some coffee, they can bring a lunch bag.
  Give them their own bathroom while we’re at it. Why should anyone on the plane have any contact with them at all?

• Make anything said in the pilot’s cabin available on one of the headphone channels for the entire flight. An informed passenger cabin is an educated passenger cabin.
• Parachutes installed in the back of all chairs on the plane.
• Video surveillance of the passenger cabin or cockpit is available for flight controller or pilot review at any point. This video along with the audio should be accessible
  at any time from the ground during the flight.

• Develop fusion technology to power the plane. Why are we filling these things up with thousands of gallons of kerosene? Let’s come up with a fuel that doesn’t burn
  as hot or as long as kerosene. Dilithium crystals, anyone?

And lastly, some training that I think would benefit everyone on the plane:

• Hand to hand combat training. Good enough for the marines, good enough for the stewardess.
• Foreign language education. Might as well understand what they’re talking about. It isn’t code, after all.
• Mental telepathy lessons in order to anticipate evil. These are also known as Spidey Sense lessons.
• Jackie Chan style fighting techniques. Might as well frighten any potential hijacker with the idea that not only could we kick his ass, we could kick his ass using a ladder,
  a chair or a stick of bamboo.