your friendly neighborhood super genius

2001.03.24 21.45

Several friends of mine were laid off from where I work. I am now taking a managerial point of view over everyone at my company. Why do bills go unpaid? Is it better to use a cheaply paid inexperienced employee or a higher salaried veteran? Where exactly is this bottom line? Why do people always use the excuse "We were mandated to make cuts across the board." Laying off a few people isn't across the board. Some departments went by unscathed. What exactly is meant by the term ''across the board?'' What board? The board of directors? Across the bored? I mean, the bored are the people just sitting around and not working, so hell yeah let's fire them. Oh, uh, I mean lay them. Off. I have decided to come up with one new project idea every week that will help companies cut costs and save money. I tried to think of something that even the most revenue starved entity would want to buy. In the current harsh economy, every penny counts. Frugality is a necessity. Are you going to eat that?

Ankles getting better but not normal. I'm now wearing only one fracture boot (the real name for the boots I wear to ease recovery). People didn't seem to realize the boots could be put on and taken off because I didn't wear anything for a couple of days and then put one back on yesterday. ''You had to have your cast put back on.'' Anything on a foot apparently equals a cast to the uninformed. I thought about my recent alternate explanations for what happened to my feet. My personal favorites were: XFL injury, bionic implants and space shuttle hangar accident. I briefly considered telling people that drinking too much coffee from Starbucks had done it, but I suspect widespread panic would ensue.

Entered the DeLorean into the Art Car parade a few weeks ago. One small problem is that the car might possibly overheat. I purposely drove through a slow Jack in the Box drive-thru to see how the car would do. I guess I should have considered that if it DID overheat that I would be in a bind to move it (as I am somewhat mobile impaired). Luckily I got moving and the car cooled back down. Considering attachment of giant dry ice blocks to the radiator. Alternate solution would be to have my friends dress up as Libyan terrorists and pull the DeLorean with ropes. I am not sure how many of them will remain friends if that were to happen.

The bathtub in the master bedroom has had a slow leak for the last few weeks. At first I was able to adjust the knob a certain way and the dripping would stop. That's no longer possible. I am now subjected to listening to it drip 24/7 and it is driving me crazy. I had to turn up my Sharper Image Sound Soother just to drown it out.

Still haven't made any headway in finding the future Mrs. Mark Shields. There is this one girl, but she is sort of mysterious and I can't tell if she would be interested in tackling someone like me. Whatever that means. You know. Like me. Evil. No, wait. That's not fair. Let me be more specific. Super Evil. Yeah. Better. But seriously, she mentioned that if she ever got married, she'd want a contract that would ensure hot loving at least three times a week. Where do I sign up?

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Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed here are my own only and in no way represent the views, positions or opinions - expressed or implied - of my employers both past and present. « next on hbo \| Main \| bye bye bye » your friendly neighborhood super genius 2001.03.24 21.45 Several friends of mine were laid off from where I work. I am now taking a managerial point of view over everyone at my company. Why do bills go unpaid? Is it better to use a cheaply paid inexperienced employee or a higher salaried veteran? Where exactly is this bottom line? Why do people always use the excuse "We were mandated to make cuts across the board." Laying off a few people isn't across the board. Some departments went by unscathed. What exactly is meant by the term ''across the board?'' What board? The board of directors? Across the bored? I mean, the bored are the people just sitting around and not working, so hell yeah let's fire them. Oh, uh, I mean lay them. Off. I have decided to come up with one new project idea every week that will help companies cut costs and save money. I tried to think of something that even the most revenue starved entity would want to buy. In the current harsh economy, every penny counts. Frugality is a necessity. Are you going to eat that? Ankles getting better but not normal. I'm now wearing only one fracture boot (the real name for the boots I wear to ease recovery). People didn't seem to realize the boots could be put on and taken off because I didn't wear anything for a couple of days and then put one back on yesterday. ''You had to have your cast put back on.'' Anything on a foot apparently equals a cast to the uninformed. I thought about my recent alternate explanations for what happened to my feet. My personal favorites were: XFL injury, bionic implants and space shuttle hangar accident. I briefly considered telling people that drinking too much coffee from Starbucks had done it, but I suspect widespread panic would ensue. Entered the DeLorean into the Art Car parade a few weeks ago. One small problem is that the car might possibly overheat. I purposely drove through a slow Jack in the Box drive-thru to see how the car would do. I guess I should have considered that if it DID overheat that I would be in a bind to move it (as I am somewhat mobile impaired). Luckily I got moving and the car cooled back down. Considering attachment of giant dry ice blocks to the radiator. Alternate solution would be to have my friends dress up as Libyan terrorists and pull the DeLorean with ropes. I am not sure how many of them will remain friends if that were to happen. The bathtub in the master bedroom has had a slow leak for the last few weeks. At first I was able to adjust the knob a certain way and the dripping would stop. That's no longer possible. I am now subjected to listening to it drip 24/7 and it is driving me crazy. I had to turn up my Sharper Image Sound Soother just to drown it out. Still haven't made any headway in finding the future Mrs. Mark Shields. There is this one girl, but she is sort of mysterious and I can't tell if she would be interested in tackling someone like me. Whatever that means. You know. Like me. Evil. No, wait. That's not fair. Let me be more specific. Super Evil. Yeah. Better. But seriously, she mentioned that if she ever got married, she'd want a contract that would ensure hot loving at least three times a week. Where do I sign up? Play Asteroids with DHTML. « next on hbo \| Main \| bye bye bye »