the big stinky

2001.05.23 22.05

Tonight was the last episode of Star Trek: Voyager. I remember watching the series premiere on Monday, January 16th, 1995. UPN was kicking off its new network for the first time. They even included a bag of popcorn in the Sunday Houston Chronicle to pop while you watched the premiere. I used to work for the Chronicle back then, so I snagged myself 4 or 5 extra bags. I popped one that evening. The rest I kept in storage, intending to pop one when the series finale aired. That day was today. So I went into the drawer where I'd kept the popcorn. It seemed as if time had stood still. It was still sealed, air tight. I opened it up. No problem. I refreshed my memory by re-reading the instructions (it was 6 1/2 years ago, cut me some slack). I put it in the microwave. I set it to high and hit start. The popcorn started popping just as usual. And then... it started. The Smell. This was no ordinary smell. This was about the same smell you'd expect if you were to take someone's puke and boil it in the microwave. It wasn't just bad. It was horrible. The stench was so bad, I emptied an entire can of Lysol Air Freshener / Disinfectant into the air. Nothing helped. Feeling dizzy. World spinning. Last voyager episode fading. Can't breathe. Opened window. Pointed fan to blow air out from house. Opened another window on other side of house. Prayed several times to God, Buddha, Mohammed, Joseph Smith, the Pope and Sinead O'Connor. Right now a wet rag is protecting me from the noxious fumes I've created. I've got four more bags if you'd like to clear out a party in 3 minutes or less (depending on when the popping slows down to 2 to 3 pops per second).

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Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed here are my own only and in no way represent the views, positions or opinions - expressed or implied - of my employers both past and present. « wacky tourists & and drunk girls \| Main \| deja vu » the big stinky 2001.05.23 22.05 Tonight was the last episode of Star Trek: Voyager. I remember watching the series premiere on Monday, January 16th, 1995. UPN was kicking off its new network for the first time. They even included a bag of popcorn in the Sunday Houston Chronicle to pop while you watched the premiere. I used to work for the Chronicle back then, so I snagged myself 4 or 5 extra bags. I popped one that evening. The rest I kept in storage, intending to pop one when the series finale aired. That day was today. So I went into the drawer where I'd kept the popcorn. It seemed as if time had stood still. It was still sealed, air tight. I opened it up. No problem. I refreshed my memory by re-reading the instructions (it was 6 1/2 years ago, cut me some slack). I put it in the microwave. I set it to high and hit start. The popcorn started popping just as usual. And then... it started. The Smell. This was no ordinary smell. This was about the same smell you'd expect if you were to take someone's puke and boil it in the microwave. It wasn't just bad. It was horrible. The stench was so bad, I emptied an entire can of Lysol Air Freshener / Disinfectant into the air. Nothing helped. Feeling dizzy. World spinning. Last voyager episode fading. Can't breathe. Opened window. Pointed fan to blow air out from house. Opened another window on other side of house. Prayed several times to God, Buddha, Mohammed, Joseph Smith, the Pope and Sinead O'Connor. Right now a wet rag is protecting me from the noxious fumes I've created. I've got four more bags if you'd like to clear out a party in 3 minutes or less (depending on when the popping slows down to 2 to 3 pops per second). « wacky tourists & and drunk girls \| Main \| deja vu »