gimme the 4-1-1

2002.03.22 0.48

It was Monday night. My phone rang. I picked it up.

Me: ''Hello?''

Phone: [long pause] ''That's a weird way to answer the phone.''

Me: ''Huh? That's how I always answer the phone. Who is this?''

Phone: ''Uhhh... who is this?''

Me: ''I asked you first.''

Phone: ''Ummm... I'm trying to get information.''

Me: ''About what?''

Phone: ''Who is this?''

Me: ''Your momma.''

Phone: ''What?!''

Me: ''Chicken butt.''

Phone: ''Are you going to help me or what?''

Me: ''No.''

Phone: ''Why not?''

Me: ''I don't like you anymore.''

Phone: ''What the hell is wrong with you people?''

Me: [screaming] ''DON'T YOU TALK ABOUT MY PEOPLE LIKE THAT!''

Phone: [long silence] ''Who is this?''

Me: ''Your momma. I already told you this. Write it down, dammit.''

Phone: ''I'm not writing that down!''

Me: ''You'd better right it down. I'm gonna send Guido and Franky to your room if you don't.''

Phone: ''No you're not.''

Me: [puts phone aside and yells] ''You boys go rough this person up right now. You have my permission to use the metal pipe.''

Phone: ''I demand to know who you are.''

Me: ''You can ask Guido and Franky about me when they get there.''

Phone: [click]

Five minutes pass. The phone rings again.

Me: ''Information.''

Phone: ''Hi. Uh, I need the number for Chris' Pizza.''

Me: ''What for?''

Phone: ''Excuse me?''

Me: ''What for?''

Phone: ''What do you mean what for? Is... is this the same guy that I talked to five minutes ago?''

Me: ''No. I'm a different guy.''

Phone: ''Are you sure?''

Me: ''Let me check.'' [puts phone on the floor, focuses on TV which is playing Entertainment Tonight briefly, picks up phone again] ''Yes, I'm sure.''

Phone: [long pause] ''Who... err... so do you have the number or what?''

Me: ''What number?''

Phone: ''For Chris' Pizza.''

Me: ''Yes.''

Phone: ''Can I have it?''

Me: ''Yes.''

Phone: [pause] ''When?''

Me: ''Tomorrow?''

Phone: ''Are you crazy or something?''

Me: ''We are information. We are not crazy. For crazy, please contact the operator or try your call again.''

Phone: ''Can I have the number now?''

Me: ''Say please.''

Phone: ''Please?''

Me: ''No.''

Phone: ''Ugh! Why not?''

Me: ''If you'd like the number, please come down to the front desk with a cashier's check for twenty five cents.''

Phone: ''Why can't I pay in cash?''

Me: ''We don't accept cash.''

Phone: ''Can I talk to your supervisor?''

Me: ''Yes.'' [puts down phone, refocuses on Entertainment Tonight, picks up phone again] ''Can I help you?''

Phone: [pause] ''Hey, this is the same guy I just talked to''

Me: ''No it isn't.''

Phone: ''Yes it is! Stop lying.''

Me: ''Can we help you?''

Phone: ''Yeah, I've been trying to get the number for Chris' Pizza for the last five minutes and your person answering the phone won't give it to me.''

Me: ''We apologize for the inconvenience. Please hold for the number.''

Phone: ''Well, thank you very much.''

Me: [pause as I thumb through the newspaper] ''The number is... 6, 1, 0, 9, 7, 6, 3, 8, 2, 5.''

Phone: ''Okay. Got it. Thank you so much!''

Me: ''Thank you for calling. A charge of $25 dollars will appear on your bill when you check out.''

Phone: ''Huh? For what?''

Me: ''Thank you for calling. Goodbye.'' [hangs up phone]

Fifteen seconds pass and the phone rings again. I pick it up.

Me: ''What!?''

Phone: ''Is this the guy who just charged us twenty five dollars?''

Me: ''No.''

Phone: ''Yes it is! Man, you guys are a bunch of liars.''

Me: ''That's it. Stop calling me. Next time I call the police.''

Phone: ''The police!?''

Me: ''Yes!'

I hung up. Moral of the story? Never stay in room 411.

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Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed here are my own only and in no way represent the views, positions or opinions - expressed or implied - of my employers both past and present. « tripped out \| Main \| death to spooky » gimme the 4-1-1 2002.03.22 0.48 It was Monday night. My phone rang. I picked it up. Me: ''Hello?'' Phone: [long pause] ''That's a weird way to answer the phone.'' Me: ''Huh? That's how I always answer the phone. Who is this?'' Phone: ''Uhhh... who is this?'' Me: ''I asked you first.'' Phone: ''Ummm... I'm trying to get information.'' Me: ''About what?'' Phone: ''Who is this?'' Me: ''Your momma.'' Phone: ''What?!'' Me: ''Chicken butt.'' Phone: ''Are you going to help me or what?'' Me: ''No.'' Phone: ''Why not?'' Me: ''I don't like you anymore.'' Phone: ''What the hell is wrong with you people?'' Me: [screaming] ''DON'T YOU TALK ABOUT MY PEOPLE LIKE THAT!'' Phone: [long silence] ''Who is this?'' Me: ''Your momma. I already told you this. Write it down, dammit.'' Phone: ''I'm not writing that down!'' Me: ''You'd better right it down. I'm gonna send Guido and Franky to your room if you don't.'' Phone: ''No you're not.'' Me: [puts phone aside and yells] ''You boys go rough this person up right now. You have my permission to use the metal pipe.'' Phone: ''I demand to know who you are.'' Me: ''You can ask Guido and Franky about me when they get there.'' Phone: [click] Five minutes pass. The phone rings again. Me: ''Information.'' Phone: ''Hi. Uh, I need the number for Chris' Pizza.'' Me: ''What for?'' Phone: ''Excuse me?'' Me: ''What for?'' Phone: ''What do you mean what for? Is... is this the same guy that I talked to five minutes ago?'' Me: ''No. I'm a different guy.'' Phone: ''Are you sure?'' Me: ''Let me check.'' [puts phone on the floor, focuses on TV which is playing Entertainment Tonight briefly, picks up phone again] ''Yes, I'm sure.'' Phone: [long pause] ''Who... err... so do you have the number or what?'' Me: ''What number?'' Phone: ''For Chris' Pizza.'' Me: ''Yes.'' Phone: ''Can I have it?'' Me: ''Yes.'' Phone: [pause] ''When?'' Me: ''Tomorrow?'' Phone: ''Are you crazy or something?'' Me: ''We are information. We are not crazy. For crazy, please contact the operator or try your call again.'' Phone: ''Can I have the number now?'' Me: ''Say please.'' Phone: ''Please?'' Me: ''No.'' Phone: ''Ugh! Why not?'' Me: ''If you'd like the number, please come down to the front desk with a cashier's check for twenty five cents.'' Phone: ''Why can't I pay in cash?'' Me: ''We don't accept cash.'' Phone: ''Can I talk to your supervisor?'' Me: ''Yes.'' [puts down phone, refocuses on Entertainment Tonight, picks up phone again] ''Can I help you?'' Phone: [pause] ''Hey, this is the same guy I just talked to'' Me: ''No it isn't.'' Phone: ''Yes it is! Stop lying.'' Me: ''Can we help you?'' Phone: ''Yeah, I've been trying to get the number for Chris' Pizza for the last five minutes and your person answering the phone won't give it to me.'' Me: ''We apologize for the inconvenience. Please hold for the number.'' Phone: ''Well, thank you very much.'' Me: [pause as I thumb through the newspaper] ''The number is... 6, 1, 0, 9, 7, 6, 3, 8, 2, 5.'' Phone: ''Okay. Got it. Thank you so much!'' Me: ''Thank you for calling. A charge of $25 dollars will appear on your bill when you check out.'' Phone: ''Huh? For what?'' Me: ''Thank you for calling. Goodbye.'' [hangs up phone] Fifteen seconds pass and the phone rings again. I pick it up. Me: ''What!?'' Phone: ''Is this the guy who just charged us twenty five dollars?'' Me: ''No.'' Phone: ''Yes it is! Man, you guys are a bunch of liars.'' Me: ''That's it. Stop calling me. Next time I call the police.'' Phone: ''The police!?'' Me: ''Yes!' I hung up. Moral of the story? Never stay in room 411. « tripped out \| Main \| death to spooky »