if (birdInHand == false) { blowYourNose(); }

2004.11.03 7.32

I went to bed last night after watching the latest Star Trek: Enterprise thinking I'd wake up in the morning and get a present like it was Christmas morning. I was quite surprised to find a lump of coal in my stocking, instead. I'm not sure why I thought Kerry had this whole thing sewn up. Could it be that the liberal media's power of persuasion is such that they could have made us believe that the outcome would be any different? I like to blame to Osama bin Laden video's untimely appearance as a mitigating factor for America turning a blind eye to the last two years of the overtly right-wing political agenda and the harm it has done to our freedom. Not to mention a war that we can't win that we started for reasons that are no longer valid. Nice. Apparently there is no penalty for not learning from the past. Bleah. I'm done with my political ranting until 2008. I'm ready for President Clinton to make her comeback.

My Spider-Man costume went off without a hitch. True, the feet are technically similar to pajama booties, but that didn't deter me from having a great time Saturday night. I went to a party on 2nd and Quarry. The guy to girl ratio was sooo in my favor. That never happens. And of course all girls there were smart (except for this one drunk chick that had wrapped her chest in saran wrap -- she was annoying at best). I was somehow talked into going to Cuba Libre to do a little salsa dancing. I had my butt smacked by several impaired female patrons while I was there. Oh, how I suffered. I had to wear my contacts to see as Spider-Man doesn't wear glasses... and neither does Peter Parker... except for the part when he had that mental thing going, but of course I don't have a mental thing going so, yeah, I needed contacts. On Sunday night, I attended official door to door trick or treating out in Bucks County with a friend and her neices and nephews. I learned how to slink around as Spider-Man a little more effectively on this second outing. No that it's over, I'm Spider-Man no more. Unless you know of a costume party somewhere in which case I'm totally freakin' there. My three-times a week workout habit will not be coming to an end now that I've met my new year's goal. I've got to work on my abs. There's always room for improvement. Next year I'd like to be Spider-Man in the black costume. To quote QueenBeth: ''Black -- like my heart!''

And now... the aforementioned giant honkin' update. You might want to print this one up and take it with you to the bathroom as it's a long one.

What's the deal with Corvette electrical systems vs. State Safety Inspectors? Apparently if your headlights blink, the state inspector doesn't think your car is safe. I personally think your car is safer. People will notice you. You'll stand out in a crowd. If the police have to chase you down, they should have no problem telling other cops to watch for the guy driving the black Corvette shaped like a 1989 Batmobile that had blinking headlights. I mean, come on. I tried to fix this little problem by taking out some of the little electrical gadgets that the former owner has installed in the dashboard. To my horror I found wires criss-crossed in unnatural directions that parasitically fed off of any red wire they could splice into. For the novices out there, The Red Wire is usually used to indicate that it has power. The black wire is usually grounded to the body of the car. You don't always need to use a black wire if you can just ground whatever it is against something mounted to the metal frame. Anyway, it's a freakin' mess in there. I tried to do some hunting for the blinking headlight culprit, but it was 85+ degrees in Texas and I was sweating like a pig. I'm going to defer passing state inspection until this winter when I'm more likely to freeze in the car rather than die from heat exhaustion. I gave the car its first real vacuuming, but that didn't seem to impress the aforementioned state inspector guys.

What's the deal with I Heart Huckabees vs. Super-Size Me? I'll tell you. They're both good, although Huckabees I could see again a few times. Once you watch Super-Size Me once then you're pretty much done. I'm curious to see if Huckabees garners any Oscar nominations for its stars. I could see Wahlberg being recognized as a best-supporting actor (if the Academy can remember this film long enough when January comes rolling around. I've posted a couple of video pieces on the Mark Wahlberg Youth Foundation web site that Jim Wahlberg sent me. The first is from a CN8 show called Later With Barry Nolan. The other is a short piece that aired on Entertainment Tonight. They are mostly centered on the foundation but there is a decent amount of Huckabees coverage in there to satisfy the curious. I got to rip the video for this stuff off a DVD (my first ever ripping). I had to lie about what country I lived in to get the DVD ripper. How dumb. I have no intention of ripping anything that's copyrighted, however. I like owning DVDs. My recent purchases include The Special Edition of Ed Wood and, to keep in the same vein as Ed Wood I bought his last ever movie ever --- Necromania! This features the ''Hot!'' version that most people have seen, as well as the uncut ''Hot! Hot! Hot!'' version. I'm sure I'm going to go to hell after I see the ''Hot! Hot! Hot!'' version, so let me know if you want to be included in my will as soon as possible.

What's the deal with the October Quarterly Meeting vs. the Tron Costume guy? The consulting company I work for held their quarterly meeting at Dave and Buster's once again. Love that place! There was a problem with the slideshow, but it didn't take away from the great comradery of hanging out with your fellow consultants for a few hours (and drinking beer... lots of beer). Mmmm. This is the second quarterly meeting I've been able to attend this year. I don't know if I will be around for the Christmas party as I'm kind of in a state of limbo at the moment. I'll be happy with whatever happens once the limbo is over, so I can't really lose. As for my mention of the Tron costume guy, my roommate recently passed around the site to that famous Tron costume guy who has a very revealing (and somehow quite funny) Tron costume that he made by hand. The roommate thought he should simulate the costume *and* the girth. It worked as he won Rockets tickets for his endeavors. I got to paint some of the lines on the costume. I hear the costume has now been retired (and everyone is afraid to touch it).

What's the deal about what I get for leaving the DeLorean at the Hyatt Regency underground convention room for two days vs. not leaving it there? I was asked if I could lend my DeLorean to a Hyatt Regency managers meeting that was being held in downtown Houston. It meant that I'd have to find an alternate way to drive myself around (not a problem -- except for the aforementioned blinking headlight issue). My mom was kind enough to lend me her car when night fell so I could drive to the aforementioned quarterly meeting for the aforementioned good times. In return for giving the Hyatt some D-time, I got a certificate good for a night for two on any Friday or Saturday night in the deluxe suite at the Hyatt, complete with dinner for two. They even tell me they plan to send up a bottle of champagne to sauce me up. I did not mention to the Hyatt staff that the last time I'd stepped foot in there was when I was 16 years old and was hanging out with some moron BBS guy I knew named The Coco Wizard. He was on some kind of credit card fraud spending spree when we crossed paths with him at Charley 517's in downtown Houston that fateful Christmas Eve in 1985. When we arrived at the hotel he attempted to pass off his mom's credit card as his own. They didn't think he looked like a Mabel, however. Jailarity ensued thereafter. I was questioned along with my fellow schoolmate Brian. The cops cursed that we were only 16 years old and accused us of lying through our teeth about the Coco Wizard's credit card antics. I went home that night and hugged my pillow so tight I left clench marks in it for days thereafter. Police are harsh, sometimes.

What's the deal with working out at home vs. working out 'away from home?' For one thing, motivation is affected. The other? My closest gym is the EVIL EMPIRE known as Bally's Fitness. They are determined to sell me a three year membership. I just want to leech their facilities. How hard is that to figure out? I'm thinking about buying another house in my neighborhood and just stocking it with gym equipment. That'll teach 'em.

What's the deal with Breakstone cottage cheese vs. Borden & Kroger brand cottage cheese? Breakstone is the only decent cottage cheese to be found in all of Texas. Everything else is watery and disgusting. I need nice firm cottage cheese. As if it were surgically removed from Jennifer Lopez's actual thighs. The cottage cheeses here in Philly are firm like that. If you put it on a spoon, it doesn't dribble. Finding high protein alternatives while I'm home has been a pain in the ass as a result of this oversight in the purchasing power of Kroger's and Randall's. Perhaps a trip to the dreaded H.E.B. is in order. I'm waiting for freeze dried cottage cheese to make its debut. That'd be so good. You can get away with using whey for your protein, however, so the crying I'm doing is really not justified. Besides, I'm only talking about this since I included this as a point I'd talk about a few weeks ago. Sue me.

What's the deal with pedestrians vs. Houston traffic lights? While I was driving in downtown Houston I noticed that pedestrians are almost completely ignorant of oncoming traffic. At least here in Philly they will stare you down and try to challenge you to a contest of will if they see you approaching while the light is green. In Houston, however, the pedestrian is like an idiot savant -- completely unaware of the danger of getting their ass mowed down by a 1981 DeLorean with Back to the Future stuff on it. They'd better watch out as my flux dispersal coils could detangle the large intestive of even the most ignorant Houston street crosser.

What's the deal about Houston's fair weather fans? I noticed them in droves at the Dave and Buster's quarterly. We have decent Astros fans in H-Town, but the bandwagon jumpers are always the most annoying. I thought it was a great honor for us to finally get within one game of The World Series, but I wasn't going to suddenly go out and buy an Astros jersey to look like everyone else. If you want to see some rabid fans, you should talk to a Steelers or an Eagles fan. They are bloodthirsty and ready to defend their team's honor at the drop of a hat. Many an ass has been kicked when someone has suggested -- to an Eagles fan -- that the Eagles sucked. I'm sure I can shape this paragraph up to make more sense, but for the time being just don't offend a stalwart Eagles fan if you can offend a stalwart Astros fan instead.

What's the deal with the Houston blender vs. the Philly blender? I bought the same exact blender that I won in Philadelphia while I was last in Houston. I couldn't stand not having one. If I ever end up going back to Houston then I'm going to have dueling blenders. Perhaps I'll throw a coming home party for me and my friends. Crushed ice and alcohol will be involved (and my blenders).

What's the deal with lawn guy vs. maid girl? My mom hired a new lawn care guy for my house that has done an outstanding job of making my house look like someone lives there whereas before it looked like the house was abandoned and on the H.U.D. market. I also got to see my maid Olga for the first time in a couple of years. I had no idea that they scrub down my house for nearly two hours when they're there. It makes me wish I could fly them in to Philly and give my tiny little apartment a good scrubbing every other week. At the moment I'm living like a homeless cave man in my apartment. My washer and dryer have sat unused for an illegal amount of time. I'm wearing clothes that I haven't worn since 2001. People are scared. Hell, I'm scared.

What's the deal with neighbor vs. neighbor? I saw my neighbor Sam while I was in H-Town. He had to go two Life Trials. The first was open-heart surgery. The second was thanks to a drug-addicted offspring that embezzled a ton of money from him. I'm not sure which one is worse. I'm starting to get skeptical about this whole having kids thing. Is my kid going to embezzle money from me? Geez. I need to have a Doogie Howser type kid that's earning 150K by the time he's 14 years old. I need to supplant my Bourbon Street needs on a more frequent basis. Ah, kids. Anyway, Sam is hanging in there. We talked about how my lawn doesn't look like a haunted house anymore and he spoke of how he is now weeding his lawn again. I killed some of his weeds with some Weed-Be-Gone this past summer and he thought the weeds had died from the intense heat. Right. Weeds dying from the heat in Texas? It'll never happen.

And finally, what's the deal with Early Voting vs. Election Day? I attempted early voting on October 11th but left after growing bored waiting in line. The pollsters working there were easily into their 80's. Pointing and clicking doesn't come easy for them. I tried again on that Thursday and, after waiting for nearly 90 minutes, I was rewarded with my first venture at Electronic Voting. The PADD-like device they came up with was not what I expected. A scroll wheel is used to move from checkbox to checkbox. The scroll wheel is labeled SELECT. I guess that's what it does, although it really should have been labeled SCROLL since it's a freakin' scroll wheel. There was another button that you click to choose. I forget what that button was labeled, but I do know it wasn't labeled SELECT. There was also a next and previous button that you could use when reviewing all of your choices. I never vote a straight ticket. I ended up voting for Democrats or Liberals where I had the opportunity. The experience wasn't as disheartening as I'm making it sound. I'll do it again, I'm sure. I need to make it more interesting. Maybe next time I'll dress up as Neo. And you know I'm not kidding.