drowned world

2001.05.16 21.20

Super Genius Mark Shields made a trip to the safety deposit box at his bank today to drop off his newly acquired Madonna concert tickets. When questioned about who he planned to take to the concert, Mr. Shields responded via press release by saying, "I'm going to start looking at potential applicants. My qualifications are: female, single, attractive, and she has to love Star Trek and pr0n." Government census officials admit that 42 women in the United States match these qualifications. The list of 42 matches, however, is being kept under closely guarded lock and key at the offices of former vice president Al Gore within his famous lock box. Mr. Gore's response to Mr. Shields' press release was terse and direct: "No one gets the lock box. However, I may trade them for his Madonna tickets." Mr. Shields' response to Gore's response, "Doh!"