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Mark Shields
Super Genius
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Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed here are my own only and in no way represent the views, positions or opinions - expressed or implied - of my employers both past and present.

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deja vu

2001.05.28 17.58

Stay tuned. Applying a minor new look and adjusting some layout.

I'm posting an AIM Remote in case you'd like to bug me. I rarely ever use this old account, but if I'm feeling particular open to a barrage of IM's, feel free. For some reason I feel like I've done this before. Must be the fumes.
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the big stinky

2001.05.23 22.05

Tonight was the last episode of Star Trek: Voyager. I remember watching the series premiere on Monday, January 16th, 1995. UPN was kicking off its new network for the first time. They even included a bag of popcorn in the Sunday Houston Chronicle to pop while you watched the premiere. I used to work for the Chronicle back then, so I snagged myself 4 or 5 extra bags. I popped one that evening. The rest I kept in storage, intending to pop one when the series finale aired. That day was today. So I went into the drawer where I'd kept the popcorn. It seemed as if time had stood still. It was still sealed, air tight. I opened it up. No problem. I refreshed my memory by re-reading the instructions (it was 6 1/2 years ago, cut me some slack). I put it in the microwave. I set it to high and hit start. The popcorn started popping just as usual. And then... it started. The Smell. This was no ordinary smell. This was about the same smell you'd expect if you were to take someone's puke and boil it in the microwave. It wasn't just bad. It was horrible. The stench was so bad, I emptied an entire can of Lysol Air Freshener / Disinfectant into the air. Nothing helped. Feeling dizzy. World spinning. Last voyager episode fading. Can't breathe. Opened window. Pointed fan to blow air out from house. Opened another window on other side of house. Prayed several times to God, Buddha, Mohammed, Joseph Smith, the Pope and Sinead O'Connor. Right now a wet rag is protecting me from the noxious fumes I've created. I've got four more bags if you'd like to clear out a party in 3 minutes or less (depending on when the popping slows down to 2 to 3 pops per second).

wacky tourists & and drunk girls

2001.05.19 17.49

Man, I never left. Must concentrate. Must remember Christopher Walken is on SNL tonight. Instead of doing good, I've been closely examining my Apache web logs for the last few hours. I've discovered many interesting sites are linking to me. Someone in Germany, a BTTF message board (also in Germany), and a movie message board in Korea with a post from someone who thinks my parody is a real movie! Ha! I ought to replace the videos with hidden subconscious messages. Not sure what I would do with all of the Korean money that they'd send me as a result, but I'm sure I'd think of something.

These guys made a German ''remake'' of Back to the Future. Not for any reason in particular. Just to do it. Here are some pictures of how they took a non-DeLorean and turned it into a time machine.


''Guess where my hand is.''


''I'll bet you a hundred bucks that I can put my entire fist in my mouth.''


''And after the Libyans enter the scene, Ginger Lynn will start giving blowjobs and we can all take a breather.''


''We shoot you!''


''Feel those pecs. Not bad huh? My secret? I eat that same meal the fat guy did at Subway.''


''This is the best rum and coke mixed with pee that I've ever had!''


''Is that a hot melt glue gun? Good. I need some hot melt glue, right here, on my elbow.''


''Yes, of course, November 5th, 1995. That's the day I first visited a Drunk Chicks web site.''


''Hey, wait a minute. I thought Ginger Lynn was supposed to be giving the blowjobs?''


''Let's see. That's the front passenger-side tire. And I'll bet the front driver-side tire is right on the other side. Man, I should be a consultant.''


''Was it painful when your legs were removed?'' ''Shut up and lower that clapping thing a bit more, bastard.''


''What do you mean I can't sit on the box of plutonium and smoke? I sure can. Look, I'm doing it right now.''


''Okay, who stole the sofa comforter? Bob? Where'd you get that jacket?''  

i don't wanna

2001.05.19 9.02

Okay, now I'm balking. I may just go and see what its like. It's either this or join a model railroad collectors club.

I need to figure out how to challenge myself at work. Whenever I feel bored I look for something that hasn't been working and either fix it or replace it. Might get sent to Philly for an off-site assignment lasting 90 days. Total coincidence that I have Madonna tickets to the First Union Center in Philly. Guess that would solve the problem of how to get there and where I'd stay. Total cake project plus I could expand the business. For some reason the dudes ''In Charge'' at the Philly office are slow to respond and seem unsure. Gonna send them some samples this weekend. Wondering if baiting them with the other Madonna ticket will work. If all else fails, I've got my Simpsons voice impressions to whip out at the last minute.

I'm trying to get added to Right now the dude running it has a backlog of requests and I'm at the very bottom; however, he is taking votes to determine who will get added next. I've included directions on how to vote for me in the side nav of my site (if it isn't there anymore, that's because the voting dealio is over). It will allow you to scroll back and see up to 50 of my previous webcam images. I planned to write an app to do this automatically, but if I get voted in, I can procrastinate about that until this guy's site succumbs to the overuse/underpay delimma shutting down websites left and right.

My car still hasn't been released from the shop. I am getting tired of the Enterprise Rent-a-Car Toyota Corolla I've been driving. I put my dog in the passenger seat when I went to pick up the Madonna tix from FedEx. Need to recreate that picture of his head resting on the window. Keeper.

There is a berry tree in my backyard and what seems like every bird within 5 miles is sitting in it. I kept hearing little tapping sounds on the roof during the night as they pranced around and chomped on berries. Dragged my water sprinkler into the backyard at 1 AM and turned it on full blast. Bye bye birdies.

is it self-mutilation if you pay someone else to do it?

2001.05.19 7.52

I'm about to go signup to serve my community. Perhaps I'll donate some more of my bright red, type o-negative blood as well. I suddenly want to walk up and down roads with a poker, stabbing innocent trash and dabbing it into a giant hefty bag. Call me old fashioned if you will, but there is nothing like a little manual labor to get your mind going. I figure after 5 hours I'll have a million things to do planned in my head. Now, where did I put my gang necklaces and spraypaint? Hmmm.

drowned world

2001.05.16 21.20

Super Genius Mark Shields made a trip to the safety deposit box at his bank today to drop off his newly acquired Madonna concert tickets. When questioned about who he planned to take to the concert, Mr. Shields responded via press release by saying, "I'm going to start looking at potential applicants. My qualifications are: female, single, attractive, and she has to love Star Trek and pr0n." Government census officials admit that 42 women in the United States match these qualifications. The list of 42 matches, however, is being kept under closely guarded lock and key at the offices of former vice president Al Gore within his famous lock box. Mr. Gore's response to Mr. Shields' press release was terse and direct: "No one gets the lock box. However, I may trade them for his Madonna tickets." Mr. Shields' response to Gore's response, "Doh!"


2001.05.15 20.00

Without warning, the ugly stick smacked several of Frosty's friends just before this photo was taken. Police are still investigating and will issue a statement tomorrow afternoon.

It really bugs me when someone has a cam and they think they're god's gift to the internet. And then one day out of the blue, they post something like this:
''I don't really know what to say to you guys other than that I'm no longer gonna be around very much. I've found friends whom I connect with extremely well, and we get along better than I ever expected. ... This is my senior year of high school, I graduate in all of six and a half weeks - I need to be enjoying myself. All the camportals and websites I'm linked on - feel free to remove me if you haven't already. It's not about the hits anymore. When I get back on my computer, I'll be taking a lot of this stuff down and still having a commentary, but I won't be updating nearly as much.''
Fine. Be that way. Hang out with your little high school friends. Enjoy the summer. But once that's over... things will change drastically. College isn't the same cup of tea. You're going to have to make new friends again. And some of them might not even be as unattractive as the ones you have pictured to the left. But that's okay. You'll survive. You have your internet friends to fall back on. Oh, but wait a minute. You won't have them. Remember? Back in May 2001 you thumbed your nose up at the internet and said you were too good for them. Oh well... there's always therapy and Ritalin.

Now I've got to find another cam girl to fill your place. That won't take long.


2001.05.14 1.50

It's late and I should be in bed. I've been throwing away old crap. Saw the movie Memento earlier this evening and it made me realize that I tend to forget things and then remember them when I touch some item from my past. I have a 1976 Astroworld season pass that I found again. Could't throw that away. I have a 386 chip I got in the late 80's which I hung from the light in my closet. I thought I was Mr. Bad Ass with his rare 386 chip just hanging like it was a disco ball. Back then the chips were over a thousand dollars each. However, this particular chip had failed testing so it really wasn't worth that much. I didn't toss that. I did toss thousands of feet of wire, unknown power supplies, convention crap, and tape backups from 1993. I trust that nothing happened in 1993 that I'd need to save or restore, anyway. There are some old files on my TI Professional I need to snag, but that's up in the attic waiting in the hypersleep chamber. I dismantled my bunkbed and stored it away for the first time ever. Bleah. Lost my virginity on that stupid thing. Could it have been at a nice hotel or in a fancy car or in the middle of the woods on a picnic table? Nooooo. Okay, fine, too much sharing. I guess I can't mention mother's day now that I've mentioned my virginity. Heh.

My impulsive purchases today on
1 of: Supergirl (Limited 2-Disc Special Edition) [DVD] 
   By: Jeannot Szwarc(Director), et al 
   Item Availability: 1 usually ships in 24 hours 
   Estimated Delivery: May 21 - May 28 

1 of: The Dead Zone [DVD] 
   By: David Cronenberg(Director), et al 
   Item Availability: 1 usually ships in 2-3 days 
   Estimated Delivery: May 21 - May 28 


2001.05.13 18.18

Just wrote a two plus page review for Ain't It Cool News. It's my duty to report on what I saw, plus I figure I should get my writing chops back. I didn't spend 8 years in college for nothing. Did I?

happy yo momma day

2001.05.13 9.47

Woo hoo! My first review for Ain't It Cool News was posted today. Check it out when you have the time. There is also a feedback section at the end. So far nobody has trashed my review. Accusing me of being a plant, true, but other than that it looks like the reaction is good. I wanna do this every day! Maybe if I call those survey people back and start harassing them. Hmmm.

dead zone

2001.05.12 23.15

Went to Foley's and bought my mom another gift certificate for a substantial amount of moola. I know it's kind of lame, but I've found that if the amount is pretty big, the fact that you're giving someone a gift certificate isn't so bad. I also got a nice cloth rose that had some nice perfume smell. While I was there I hit the Gadzooks and bought some punk ass clothes to supplement my punk ass clothes collection. I bought a t-shirt with what I thought was an innocent type phrase only to later find out I had misread it. I thought it said something like ''I listen to the voices in my head'' when in reality it says ''I listen to the voices in my pants'' -- Ooops.

Got a strange phone call from some survey company that wanted me to watch cable channel 74 at 6 P.M. today. I turned to it while they were on the phone and really bad infomercials were going. I asked what it was going to be, and they said it was a 60 minute show and that I'd be asked about it later. I said I'd do it, just for the heck of it. When 6 P.M. rolled around I was treated to a TV pilot for a new series based on Stephen King's ''The Dead Zone.'' This is one of my favorite 80's films and Christopher Walken is fantastic in it. My biggest surprise was that the main character in the pilot was being played by Anthony Michael Hall. He's awesome! Come on, remember Sixteen Candles? The first 15 minutes differed from the movie and pretty much sucked in that the character supposedly hits his head when he's a kid and can guess minor things like numbers ahead of time. Totally dumb. Some little girl he is with as a kid is supposed to be the girl he grows up with and gets engaged to. The two child actors playing little Johnny and little Sarah were TERRIBLE! I mean really, really bad. Ed Wood bad. However, after Anthony Michael Hall's character has the major car accident with the 18 wheeler, suddenly the acting and story became fantastic. The flashback sequences were remarkably well done, and there was this really cool effect where Hall could walk around within the flashback and examine things closely while everything remained frozen (including dust and junk floating in mid-air. Verrrry nice. The light comedy they had was moderate but could have been punched up. The drama was good, too. I was very pleased that I'd been asked to watch after the pilot ended. The survey firm called me back soon after the show ended and asked me a million questions. I really do love the story and wouldn't mind seeing this turned into a series. Dang! I should have recommended they dump the actress playing his girlfriend/former fiance and get Molly Ringwald instead. Maybe they'll call back.

I've been researching buying a pair of Madonna tickets. She's not coming to Houston (at least not now) so I've contemplated how and where to attend. After all, it's Madonna. She may not tour again, who knows? Ticket prices for my usual ''real freaking close'' habit are totally whack. Sometimes as much as two thousand a ticket. I did manage to get two tickets to the First Union Center in Pennsylvania on July 22, 2001, 8 P.M. Woo hoo! I'm there. I'm Section 2, 7th row. I think I'm going to hold off on any more concerts. Well, okay, maybe Aerosmith. I was on a one concert a year pace for the last few years. Time to catch up. Think I'll wear my Sean Penn costume (as soon as I make one).

perpetual motion

2001.05.09 1.09

Went to car dealership during lunch on Monday and dropped off my car for aforementioned repairs. Enterprise Rent-A-Car on I-45 at the DeMontrond Buick/Kia dealership picked me up. When I got there they only had three cars, all of which were over 80 dollars a day. I asked the guy if he thought I was getting a good deal. He said, ''I don't understand the question.'' My response: ''Exactly.'' Evil rent-a-car guy didn't offer to knock down the price on any of the cars, either. ''Tough s**t, sir, we only have three cars left and they are 80 dollars a day.'' I called a cab in open defiance to their renting technique and, after waiting for what seemed an eternity (45 minutes), I was able to get back to work. Cost for the cab? $40. A friend at work drove me home that evening. On Tuesday morning I called the Enterprise Rent-A-Car by my house to pick me up. I've had good luck with them in the past. They told me they would pick me up when the economy car I was waiting on showed up at 9. Instead, it showed up at 11. Got to work at noon. A meeting I was never scheduled to attend happened and people were pissed they couldn't just grab me and pull me in. I checked the battery on my phone. Still worked. Hmmmm. Voicemail? No. Missed calls? No. Hmmmm. Am I being a smart ass now? No. Upon arrival I realized I was in the elevator with the same client that I'd missed the meeting with so I introduced myself and chatted up about how great the product was he was looking at, gave him my card, and said goodbye. The same people upset that I wasn't around to talk earlier were upset I talked later. Is something wrong with this picture? Does the Pope wear a big ass hat?

On a lighter note, I twisted my leg while I was asleep last night and woke up with a body numbing twisted muscle in my right calf. I was just stretching in my sleep and then wham. My massage therapist said to ice it down. My mom (a nurse) said to put heat on it. I wound up shorting out my heating pad with a rapidly melting bag of ice.

Bought Superman: The Movie, Charlie's Angels, and Brazil on DVD. Watched Superman DVD once through as it was intended. Watched it again with the director/writer commentary audio. Found out they filmed all of Superman: The Movie and 70% of Superman II at the same time. Tons of scenes with Marlon Brando were never used. The end to Superman II was used as the end to Superman I because they were worried The Movie wouldn't have as good an ending. In my opinion, everything turned out great, but the drama of how difficult it was to make these movies is fascinating. I've always intended to become a filmmaker one day. Adding to the saga of Superman would be a nice way to kick things off. Right now I'm writing a serious treatment for Back to the Future 4. I've come up with a great way to continue the series for at least one more film. Want to get it done in case I get to pitch during any of the film premieres I hope to attend this summer. I basically come up with a scenario and resolve how it could happen on the treatment. I'll then string these together with a coherent plotline, add some room for character development, and bam! Blockbuster movie. I want to add a scene where N'Sync and The Backstreet Boys get into a street brawl and die horrible deaths. It's either that or a girl-girl makeout scene between Christina Aguillera and Britney Spears on the hood of the DeLorean. For art, I will suffer.

go straight to jail / waiting

2001.05.07 23.01

A lot of people do stupid things without thinking about the consequences. You only live for a fixed number of days. Why would you want to risk running out of them? Why would you want to risk giving them up to spend time in the Crowbar Hilton? Heck, you spent the first five years of your life learning how to focus your eyes, hold your head, grab things, chew, crawl, walk, talk, eat and remember so chalk those first five off. Chalk off the last five if you plan to live past 90 because you are likely going to spend them while watching 50 year old reruns of MTV Total Request Live 2009. So, for all you people out there thinking about drinking and driving: call a cab. For you people thinking about stealing: save your money and buy it yourself, loser. For people thinking about killing: even if you think there isn't a God, why would you risk it, you moron? Doing illegal drugs? Smoke some Marlboro reds and drink some beer after hitting yourself in the head with a hammer. Same effect. Traffic laws? Don't break them... unless you happen to be in Harris County Precinct 4. They're backed up til 2005. Just plead not guilty, trial by jury, and problem solved. Oh, and don't litter, but pretending to be a student to get cheaper movie tickets is okay. Now excuse me while I listen to the theme song to Wonder Woman (again).

As a member of the Star Laser Force Imperial Guards of 1985, Super Genius Mark Shields was called upon to fight for truth, justice, and the American way for 12 minute intervals at 6 bucks a pop.

Waiting for a con call that was supposed to start an hour ago. Almost can't wait to hear the explanation about either why it didn't happen or what's up with the late start. The call is taking place in Louisiana, so I guess that could explain things. Take that as you will.

Was in Florida on Friday. I left and returned within 24 hours. On the plane ride back I got The Vibe from a girl who was sitting behind me. She chatted it up with some guy behind me and I found out she'd just finished her freshman year as a political science major. Yikes. I turned off my vibe after hearing that. The political science major part, not the freshman year part -- who the hell do you think I am? Heh.

Went to the Mitsubishi dealer body shop and had them assess my car. It will cost me $2700 to get it back to 100% external bad ass levels. This includes replacing the convertible top which was knifed two years ago, most likely by a now ex-girlfriend's psycho ex-husband. I'm not dating any more people with ex-husbands. New rule. So, this will also give me the opportunity to change the top of the car to black instead of tan. I'm gonna do it. Monday. Taking the car in and dropping it off. This only leaves a few more things on my ''must spend money on this'' list. To name a few:
  • Big ass hot tub with 60 jets, seats 8
  • Enclosed glass or screened ''Room with a View'' patio to place big ass hot tub
  • High resolution projector for computer or DVD video
  • Giant comfy sofa set to view projected computer or DVD video
  • Black Volkswagon Beetle with Turbonium
  • The Batmobile
  • Turbo kit upgrade for DeLorean
  • Barrel of Fun ride from Astroworld, circa 1973.
I think that covers my most critical needs right now. Of course, beautiful girlfriend/fiance would also be a nice, but apparently it's illegal to buy one of those. Dammit.

Some idiot thought it would be funny to get revenge on me in some twisted way by spreading poop on the concrete right outside my gate and ringing the doorbell. I got up. I walked to the gate. I opened it and saw what deed had been done. I then went back inside and rewound the surveillance videotape and watched it all happen. What kind of stupid person doesn't bother to look up and see a giant videocamera when they do this? Well, you're going to find out as soon as I get it converted into MPEG and posted. I love stupid people. They give me something to do with my minimal free time. That, and they keep all of the Taco Bells going. Nice.

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