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Mark Shields
Super Genius
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Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed here are my own only and in no way represent the views, positions or opinions - expressed or implied - of my employers both past and present.

« February 2001 | Home | April 2001 »

free the beer

2001.03.30 13.37

There is free beer and pizza here after work. It seems odd that we always seem to have a keg of beer and pizza after a round of layoffs. Kind of like having a celebration that we survived. I heard they are going to have miniature shrunken head bobbing once the beer starts kicking in.

Speaking of surviving... I watched Survivor on CBS last night and evil Jerri was kicked off the island. Very nice. Now it's going to be pretty easy going until the last episode. That's when Jerri is probably gonna rip up everyone during speech time. My bet is that the winner is going to be Cody. I am sure Richard Hatch will love that. Matter of fact, I will bet Hatch is plotting the whole thing on location in the Outback disguised as a shrubbery.

bye bye bye

2001.03.29 19.11

Watching lots of interviews with Jennifer Love Hewitt on the telly. She fine! I like how she's not a completely traditional beauty. I definitely find myself attracted to girls that are unique and, preferrably, freaky. In a good way. I need that freaky quality to keep up with my own, of course. Okay, if I had to pick between Thora Birch and Jennifer Love, I'd have to take Thora. Now, if I could only move to Los Angeles and put myself into a situation where that would actually happen. I believe magic beans would be involved.

Saw Traffic last Friday. Good movie. There are some sex for drugs scenes in there that I felt could have been skimmed over. I understand that showing the trading of sexual favors for illegal substances makes the travesty of drugs seem all the more real. I remember Ronald Reagan once lamented about how movies now seem to show you everything and don't leave anything to the imagination. Smart guy. Speaking of... Reagan is one of the few presidents that I didn't get to see in person. I know presidents get knocked for whatever decisions they make, but I still think it is important to make some effort to see them (and possibly yell out some choice Monica Lewinsky jokes). Where was I? Oh. Yeah... Traffic good. Go see it. Hannibal good, too. Gladiator good. Hmmm. What is up with one word movie titles? I dare George Lucas to come up with a one word title for the next Star Wars movie. My suggestions? Episode 2: Waaazzzzzup! Episode 2: Descent. Episode 2: Ooopsy. Hmmm. Nah, this won't work.

Check out this semi-accurate virtual version of myself. The only disarming thing about it is that after it says a phrase that I pick, it sometimes goes into a female's voice. Not good. I sense room for improvement. His face ain't puffy enough to look totally like me. Squint your eyes a bit and it's all me.

I wish all movie sites were as good as this.

your friendly neighborhood super genius

2001.03.24 21.45

Several friends of mine were laid off from where I work. I am now taking a managerial point of view over everyone at my company. Why do bills go unpaid? Is it better to use a cheaply paid inexperienced employee or a higher salaried veteran? Where exactly is this bottom line? Why do people always use the excuse "We were mandated to make cuts across the board." Laying off a few people isn't across the board. Some departments went by unscathed. What exactly is meant by the term ''across the board?'' What board? The board of directors? Across the bored? I mean, the bored are the people just sitting around and not working, so hell yeah let's fire them. Oh, uh, I mean lay them. Off. I have decided to come up with one new project idea every week that will help companies cut costs and save money. I tried to think of something that even the most revenue starved entity would want to buy. In the current harsh economy, every penny counts. Frugality is a necessity. Are you going to eat that?

Ankles getting better but not normal. I'm now wearing only one fracture boot (the real name for the boots I wear to ease recovery). People didn't seem to realize the boots could be put on and taken off because I didn't wear anything for a couple of days and then put one back on yesterday. ''You had to have your cast put back on.'' Anything on a foot apparently equals a cast to the uninformed. I thought about my recent alternate explanations for what happened to my feet. My personal favorites were: XFL injury, bionic implants and space shuttle hangar accident. I briefly considered telling people that drinking too much coffee from Starbucks had done it, but I suspect widespread panic would ensue.

Entered the DeLorean into the Art Car parade a few weeks ago. One small problem is that the car might possibly overheat. I purposely drove through a slow Jack in the Box drive-thru to see how the car would do. I guess I should have considered that if it DID overheat that I would be in a bind to move it (as I am somewhat mobile impaired). Luckily I got moving and the car cooled back down. Considering attachment of giant dry ice blocks to the radiator. Alternate solution would be to have my friends dress up as Libyan terrorists and pull the DeLorean with ropes. I am not sure how many of them will remain friends if that were to happen.

The bathtub in the master bedroom has had a slow leak for the last few weeks. At first I was able to adjust the knob a certain way and the dripping would stop. That's no longer possible. I am now subjected to listening to it drip 24/7 and it is driving me crazy. I had to turn up my Sharper Image Sound Soother just to drown it out.

Still haven't made any headway in finding the future Mrs. Mark Shields. There is this one girl, but she is sort of mysterious and I can't tell if she would be interested in tackling someone like me. Whatever that means. You know. Like me. Evil. No, wait. That's not fair. Let me be more specific. Super Evil. Yeah. Better. But seriously, she mentioned that if she ever got married, she'd want a contract that would ensure hot loving at least three times a week. Where do I sign up?

Play Asteroids with DHTML.

next on hbo

2001.03.15 22.57

Sitting in a hotel in Florida. Noisy ass high school kids in the hall way are shouting goodnights and goodbyes to each other. Spring break. I didn't consider the chance I'd get caught up in this. Towel under the door not muffling the bantering. Turning up the HBO to ignore it. Eastern Daylight Time is also very wicked. You think you're an hour ahead, you're not. The news, the traffic, life in general... it all happens at the same time it does in Houston, only they think it's an hour later. This is some kind of weird conspiracy. I was thinking earlier about the North Pole. What time is it there? If you walk in a circle around the pole, do you visit all 24 time zones as you complete the circle? I shouldn't think so hard.

Business here kicks ass. Client is fun to work with and I like to make their site cool. Have had new projects come up in the process so I'll be a busy worker bee for quite a while. I am happy to bring more business to my company in the midst of this difficult business period. I do not make any guesses about how things will pan out. Things may bounce back to the insane good times of 1999. Or they may crash to the bad times of the late 70's. I vaguely remember all that Jimmy Carter era stuff as I was only a pre-teen spaz.

Things are going pretty well with the exception of my ankles. If you haven't already heard the story I've told a thousand times: I was fixing a leaky pipe in my parent's attic and fell through the ceiling when I stepped on a poorly reinforced joist. Joist = wood beam. Both ankles were severely sprained. Even now, 30 days later, I am still no where near recovered. I have been wrapping my feet up in ACE bandages and attempting to walk. Poorly. Some wanker driving way too fast looked like he was going to plow into me while I was crossing the street after lunch today. Panicked, I thought I'd better try to run and avoid inevitable death. I took two quick steps and the pain was excrutiating. Ugh! I was in SUPER pain. Mondo. Mega. Mega Mega. I am definitely messed up in the feet. I hate it. I want to run and leap and jump. Coincidentally, I sort of feel like dating and falling in love is impossible while I am paralyzed like this. Sucks. Must not get depressed. Oh... the car did wind up slowing down. Lucky me. Bastard guy in the car. Wish I could have thrown a brick at him. Didn't have a brick handy. Need to remember to carry a brick in my bag.

Watching some freak show called ''Sex Bytes '97'' on HBO right now. They are showing people with wrestling fetishes. Guy and girl on the wrestling mat and totally beating the hell out of each other. Lot of sensual stuff going on as well. Freaks. I could see some minor degree of wrestling going on, but these people are ON A REAL WRESTLING RING! Hello? Get a king sized bed, folks. Hey, wait. I have a king sized bed. Wanna wrestle? Mind the feetsies, please.

Happiness is a returned smile.


2001.03.11 21.57

I'd like to break from the daily griping that I normally engage in. I'd like to share some insight about certain things in life that I think are very good treasures that you shouldn't miss out on. We usually fall upon really cool things by accident. It's not as if you go out someplace thinking you are going to find your favorite something out there. Okay, well, maybe we all feel like we're out to find The One when we go out to our most convenient rhythmic ceremonial ritual. I haven't been to #'s for the last few weeks since I've been healing, so I can feel the loss. But what if you never knew about something that was just plain damn good? I have a friend named Jason (and you all know who I am talking about) who has NEVER had a taste of avocado. It's a good food, but the aversion takes over. Don't let that happen if you can help it. Be open. Do new things. Experience. Don't get caught up with ''oh that sucks cuz so and so said it sucked'' -- don't be a sheep. Be the wolf.

Angelic Voices. Specifically, Stevie Nicks, Tori Amos, Kate Bush and Enya. If you haven't heard any of these women perform, do yourself a faver and load up the Napster (before the evil record industry filtering finally kicks in -- it still hasn't as of this evening, as far as I can tell). Stevie Nicks I consider the source. Ever heard Landslide? No? Go get it. Each of the artists is a prodigy. They've got gifts. If I had half as much talent as any of them, I'd be in the middle of recording my 4th album for Epic Records. Sheeya. Tori can take another artist's song and make it her own. Smells Like Teen Spirit, Wrapped Around Your Finger and Purple Rain. She transforms. Makes me want to glue myself to my piano. Kate Bush has a lot of work in the 80's that has kept many a single boy busy dreaming. Enya is a mystery. She creates everything on her own. Orinico Flow? Yes, it does.

Comedic Writing. Specifically, Frasier, The Simpsons, The Daily Show, Futurama and occasionally Saturday Night Live (so many writers, so much range). I actually dream to one day be a cast member on Saturday Night Live. I am on the total wrong track in life to do that, however, but who knows? Stranger things have happened. Piercings becoming popular, for instance. Is it true that once something starts to sell out to pop culture, it loses its significance? I don't think so. Well, except for those parachute pants back in the mid 80's. What the hell was I talking about? Oh, yeah. The writing on Frasier is amazing. It is almost scary how good it is. NBC renewed the show for another three years so I will be laughing for a few more years. The Simpsons and Futurama are clever beyond belief. Would love to write for them. The Daily Show? I want to be a reporter. I think I could work well with John Stewart. Perhaps a correspondent position. I am eyeing the Digital-8 camcorder at Best Buy. Maybe if I sent them some material I might get a stipend for some remote work. Hmmm. [plotting sounds].

There is much more. Fried jalapenos and queso. The Whataburger Breakfast on a Bun Ranchero breakfast meal. Fried pickles at Katz's. Sushi at Kirin on FM 1960. Food is good food. Yay. Okay, more later. I am going to be Remote Boy again for the next couple of days while I work in Florida for one of my favorite clients. I have been practicing walking with normal shoes for the past two days and hope to do so with modest effort while out of town. Physical therapy sucks. The reward is being able to walk without pain. Fine. Okay then. Sign me up.

Happiness is a 220K/second MP3 download on Napster. :-)

long time, no nothing

2001.03.10 20.01

Depending upon what color you are and where you live, you can call the Queen of England a bitch on TV without fear.

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