more than you think

2004.07.20 2.49

I'm in Houston again. I drove down this time in the Eclipse. Total travel time was around 20 hours. That's driving an average speed of 78 MPH. I brought Chewy down with me and we're living it up during this brief break. Lots going on. I still owe you my take on the Madonna concerts I saw at the beginning of the month. You know it's a great concert when Madonna points directly to you, you wave and say hi, and she winks in acknowlegement. Nice. Madonna rules.

Today the phone rang again. I love the phone. It means a solicitor somewhere loves us.

Me: [in my trademarked Grumpy Old Man voice] ''Hello!?''

Voice: ''Hi, this is Susan with Pitney Bowes and we're offering a special deal today for your business.''

Me: ''HELLO??? Who is this??''

Voice: ''This is Susan. Can you hear me?''

Me: ''Can you just talk a little louder, please? I can almost hear you.''

Susan: ''IS THIS BETTER?''

Me: ''What?''

Susan: ''Sir, we are offering a special one-time discount on our postal meters and your name was drawn from a list of previous customers. Does your business need lower costs for your metering needs?''

Me: ''Metering? Ohhh... yeah I know all about metering. I've got stamps and a scale right here. What do you want to know?''

Susan: ''Uhhh... we.... we're offering you the chance to use our Pitney Bowes meter free of all leasing charges for 90 days. How many stamps do you use per month for your mail, sir?''

Me: ''How many what??''

Susan: ''HOW MANY STAMPS DO YOU USE??''

Me: ''OHHHH! Yeah, well... you normally use one stamp when you send a letter. That'll usually cover ya. Now, if your letter is really heavy, you might want to put two stamps on there.''

Susan: ''No... uhhh... I mean we are leasing a postal meter to you. This is a phone offer that we're offering, here.''

Me: ''This is a phone offer?''

Susan: ''Yes, sir.''

Me: ''But... I've already got a phone. I'm talking on it right now, matter of fact. I mean, I guess you know that, right? Since we're talking? What, are your phones better?''

Susan: [long silence]

Me: ''Hello??!''

Susan: ''Thank you for your time sir.''

[click]

reality reality

2004.07.13 20.14

It was Monday afternoon, around 3 PM. I was packing my sh*t and getting ready to leave. The land-line phone rang. I call it a land-line 'cause it seems everyone has mobile phones now. Here's how it went down:

Me: [in my crotchety old man voice] ''Hello!!!''

Voice: ''Hello. This is Discover Card. Is this Mr. Parker?''

Me: ''Wha? HELLO!!!!?''

Voice: ''Sir, this is Discover Card. Is this Mr. Parker?''

Me: ''What do ya want?!''

Discover: ''Sir, we are offering a service for our most valued customers that will allow you to suspend payments to your card for up to two years in the event you are physically unable to make your payment.''

Me: ''WHAT DID I DO WRONG???? TWO YEARS??? I'M OUTRAGED!''

Discover: ''No, sir, you didn't do anything wrong.''

Me: ''YOU'RE DARN RIGHT I DIDN'T. I'M JUST STANDIN' HERE!!!''

Discover: ''No, sir, this is a service that we're offering.''

Me: ''TURNIN' OFF MY CARD FOR TWO YEARS IS A SERVICE? YOU GUYS GOTTA BE PULLIN' MAH LEG!!!!''

Discover: ''This is a service called AccountGuard™, sir. And it would only be in the event in which you were unable to pay your card for up to two years.''

Me: ''BUT I FEEL FINE!!! WHAT DID I DO TO YOU GUYS???''

Discover: ''Nothing, sir. We're just asking if you are interesting in our AccountGuard service.''

Me: ''SOUNDS LIKE A DISSERVICE IF YOU ASK ME. STOPPING MY CREDIT CARD FOR TWO YEARS. TERRIBLE!!!''

Discover: ''Okay, I'll take that as you're not interested.''

Me: ''OF COURSE NOT. I NEED MY CARD. I LIKE TO BUY THINGS!!!!''

Discover: ''Sir, you can still use your card to purchase. But in the event unforeseen circumstances made it impossible for you to make your payments...''

Me: ''I BOUGHT ME SOME CRACKERS AND DIET RC LAST NIGHT WITH MY CARD. I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE THAT BACK NOW, DO I???''

Discover: [long silence]

Me: ''HELLO???''

Discover: ''Thank you for your time, sir.''

Me: ''DON'T TOUCH MY DISCOVER CARD!! IT'S MINE, DO YA HEAR ME???''

[click]