back attack

2002.11.22 13.05

Gotta love it when you see a news story about a guy who burned his penis with his laptop. Sounds like a Jackass stunt gone awry and this is the lame excuse he came up with. At least he didn't come up with a story about how a raccoon came up behind him and burned his penis with a lighter. If you saw ''Friends'' last night, you know what I'm talking 'bout.

I went ahead and posted a better quality scan of my BTTF flick. This is about the same as the one I've had online for years, but there were a few encoding problems when I was playing the tape back. The VCR was whining about something or other. Consider this an interim measure. Each file is around 9 MB each, encoded at 256kbps and uses Microsoft WindowsMedia Player. You may notice some odd pauses in the playback due to the poopy quality of Windows MovieMaker. It is okay for sending home movies to your friends, but for editing a decent movie together, it blows. I am still trying to find an easy to use video editing program, so if you have any suggestions feel free to contact me. Back to the Future 4
[Part 1 of 4] [Part 2 of 4] [Part 3 of 4] [Part 4 of 4]
You can refer to here if you need further background on why I bothered to do this, as well as if if you want to see a deleted scene. Just wait, DVD copies of this are just around the corner.

riddle.me.this.style.visibility='hidden'

2002.11.21 16.40

I am major bummed. Company Holiday party usually falls on a Saturday. This year it's on a Thursday while I'm still up here. Thought crossed my mind that I should try to attend the party here, but that's on the *next* Thursday after I return to H-town. So, I guess I won't get to party with my coworkers if though I really wanna. I wonder if I can send a proxy partygoer to take my place?

Saw ''I Spy'' last night. Loved it. Two sentence review: Hilarious Eddie Murphy and Owen Wilson buddy movie that thrives off Eddie's adrenaline. I'll see it again for sure. We were cracking up on the drive back home, reciting lines in Eddie's Voice as best as we could immitate. Really, this was an overlooked film. Malcolm McDowell has always been a favorite ever since he portrayed the twisted youth forced into therapy in ''A Clockwork Orange.'' Funny thing about that movie, I found it hidden in my parent's closet when I was around 13. It's a rated-R movie, but I guess it was way too over the top for innocent little me. I believe the film is still banned in Britain, even to this day. Thank goodness they hid it from me, 'cause look how pure and innocent I turned out...

Returning to Houston for Thanksgiving Break tomorrow night. Working long hours lately as my workload has increased significantly. I really like coffee. Good invention, that stuff. I usually take it in a 20 ounce coffee cup with a tiny bit of Vanilla flavoured half-and-half, 4 packets of The Blue Fake Sugar Stuff and filled to the brim with hot dark-roasted blend coffee. Where can I get the intravenous coffee drip attachment? Mmmm.

creepy crawlers

2002.11.20 17.03

I bought a case of diet Vanilla Coke last week. Once or twice I have almost said that I bought a case of diet Vanilla Ice. Luckily nobody notices, so I pretend like I knew what I was saying. I bought 5 cases, actually. They were on sale, 5 cases for 10 bucks. That works out to 16.6666 cents a can. Not too shabby. Me likey the diet Vanilla Coke. It blankets the diet aftertaste just right. It's like eating a zero calorie liquid birthday cake.

Planning to see ''I Spy'' tonight with a fellow partner in crime. I have heard good stuff so tomorrow expect the two sentence review to reappear. I also booked a flight to Eugene, Oregon in January to visit an old friend. I had this weird dream last night that the Eugene character from ''War Games'' was there at the airport greeting everyone as they got off the plane. Luckily it was in this same dream that I noticed Harry Potter and his friends were up to no good, so I didn't pay any attention to Eugene when he pulled out a sword and started chasing down this guy getting off the plane dressed just like Elton John. Does this line of surreal dreaming happen with everyone or what?

I redigitized my copy of Back to the Future 4 and realized that there are a few scenes that need color correcting and more that need to be reshot all together. Luckily most of them involve things that I can get away with doing 11 years after the fact. I made that movie just on a whim, but it has been an interesting aspect of things I've done that I haven't discarded. I think I will repost the most recent scan without the updates, but expect ''Back to the Future 4: The Special Edition'' on a computer near you before the end of the year. Does this line of surreal filmmaking happen with everyone or what?

Went to the mall and bought a set of silverware at the Macy's 1-day sale. I recently ran out of my formerly ample supply of plastic dinnerware, so it was only a matter of time. You hang this set from the steel holder it comes with, as opposed to putting them in a drawer. The drawers and cabinets in my Philly apartment kitchen are kind of creepy, so the less I put in them, the better.

the truth about marky

2002.11.19 12.53

Had a coworker come up and say he hadn't caught ''Truth About Charlie'' at the theaters yet. There is a small # of people who know I run MarkWahlberg.com for his management company. I'm sure even fewer know that I have broken images and links on the site that I need to get off my arse and repair. So, ''Charlie'' only opened on 700 screens instead of 2000 as originally announced by Universal. They also went through the unusual task of completely changing the marketing campaign a mere two weeks before it was to be released in theaters. I have not been able to see the film just yet. Its third week numbers are pretty dismal, having just cleared over $500,000 and therefore bringing its grand domestic total to just over 5 million. That's bad if you consider it cost 50 million to make the film. There's always DVD and VHS sales and rentals, however, so even though nobody went to see the film in theaters, there is always a second chance to recoup. I think one of the other things that Vivendi/Universal did was to downsize the premiere in Los Angeles. That's why I didn't get to cover the film for my MW.com peoples. Okay, well, that's what I keep telling myself. Let a brother dream, ok?

Speaking of movies that you *can* see at the theater, on Sunday night I made a quick stop at Pat's Philly Cheesesteaks for my standard Whiz With. I then hit Columbus Avenue and drove to the United Artists multiplex. I haven't been there since I saw ''A.I.'' last summer and had the unpleasant experience of sitting in non-stadium seating auditorium. After some investigation it turns out that some screens *are* stadium, so cool deal. I trudged through the cold and rain and bought a ticket to see the latest Harry Potter. My two sentence review? Thoroughly entertaining, yet at times things seem a bit strained. If I see that red headed Ron kid whine and make a face like he's scared one more time, I'll scream. Seriously. The movie should have ended 5 minutes earlier, but instead I was forced to endure a prolonged ending that felt more like the contrived way old 70's TV shows always tried to end -- on a punchline. There was none. They even made a sad attempt at implying that we should get all teary eyed because a character had returned after being unfairly imprisoned. Oh, thank goodness he's back! Not. I was all, ''Heck, leave him in that Azbakistan (sp) prison until the 4th movie comes out, like I care!'' I know. I'm cruel and heartless. At least I have good taste in kitchen appliances.

don't run... don't walk...

2002.11.18 15.04

Holy crap! I know exactly what I want for Christmas.

added ad

2002.11.14 7.33

New marketing gimmick I've noticed in the graphic design world is showing someone with an abnormally huge head on their small body. A few years ago the overhead shot of someone looking up was all the rage. Birdseye view? Anyway, the Jerry Seinfeld children's halloween comic book, for example, is one instance that I can think of. Lots of ads and videos are doing these. Videos are essentially ads, too, if you want to be honest with yourself. Alex Winter, the former Bill Preston of ''Bill and Ted'' fame, crawled out from under the rock he's been inadvertantly hiding under a few days ago to talk to CNN. Said he's been keeping busy directing ads and videos since he vanished from the public eye. Wished I could ask him if he uses The Big Head technique yet.

Been trying to find the perfect AIM Buddy Icon to match how I sometimes feel on a day to day basis. The following is pretty much dead on.

recounting

2002.11.13 6.30

Last week went to see Jackass with fellow coworkers. We were to meet at the Bull and Barrel in Montgomeryville, PA. Got there. Closed! Left my car in parking lot with note on window giving our contact info. Drove with fellow coworker to alternate inebriation center. Happy hour yielded freebie finger foods. After an hour of ingesting noxious liquids and solids, departed for nearby theater. Old school. No stadium seating. We were practically the only people there, so there was an upside. My quick two sentence review? Sick and twisted, yet very innovative. I laughed plenty and enjoyed yelling at the indifferent screen, mostly begging ''PLEASE NO! NO!!!!!! DON'T!!!!' and ''OH GOD EEEWWW!!'' Altered state is important to fully enjoy this flick. Tell your friends.

This past Saturday returned to New York. Got tickets for $36 each way this time. Amtrak Window Lady has the hots for me. Arrived in Big Apple without agenda, but Oktober and QueenBeth were great conversationalists. Oktober takes great New York City pictures with her Sony digital camera. QueenBeth takes photos of the Big Apple like a professional with her Canon digital camera. Blame the weird wording in my last two sentences on Meta Data Strategy. More on that later. Stopped at Empire State Building. I was there a few weeks ago with the sis, so a return trip wasn't exactly on my agenda since it is a fairly unexciting experience, although admittedly I have some cool photos from up there that I'll share once I get off my arse. Met up with Oktober's twin sisters and our final destination was set: Mars 2112. Hearing the theme to ''Amazing Stories'' repeated 24 times while waiting in line outside was slightly excrutiating. Once we were in, the Mars theme was very much coolness. Ate space themed dead dolphin. Mahi Mahi is dead dolphin, or didn't you know that? Please direct all Greenpeace inquires regarding the consumption of dead dolphin by The Super Genius to QueenBeth. Check aforementioned digital photos and you'll see some pictures from Mars. ''Get your ass to Mars!'' My favorite line from ''Total Recall.'' Or was it, ''See you at the party, Richter!'' I can't decide.

son of jackass

2002.11.11 7.08

Been busy. On Thursday left work at noon and took the R5 train to 30th Street Station. From there a $40 Amtrak ticket got me to New York City. Used AAA card for 10% discount. Met up with Oktober and contacted a friend in Houston for directions to Comedy Central. Oktober had procured tix to see The Daily Show with John Stewart. Woo! Oh, apparently Comedy Central is on 10th Avenue and 54th, or thereabouts. Nobody was saying anything funny outside, so I think it's just an expression. Line for Daily Show opened at 5:30 P.M. Looked at watch and saw it was only 3:45 P.M. Oktober expressed need for Bio Break. Located seedy bar on 9th Avenue and 54th. Tried to enter, but door knob was broken. Nice biker inside opened door for us. How quaint. Oktober hit the W.C. while I ordered a Heinekin. Old Bartender Lady said, ''Sorry, kitchen's closed!'' Confused at the suggestion that the kitchen had to be open before I could have a Heinekin, I shifted gears and instead ordered a dirty Martini and a Comopolitan. Bartender Lady's response: ''I don't know how to make those. If you know, you tell me, then I'll make it!'' Hmmm. Riiiiight. Scared at prospect of having to drink a first timer's liquor concoction, but figured what the hell. Oktober returned with report that bathroom was inoperative... yet usable. She then ticked off the ingredients for a Cosmopolitan to Old Bartender Lady. What I got was very, very strong. Oktober got the reddest Cosmo that I'd ever seen in my life. Bartender Lady told us we could order dinner and have it delivered there, as long as we bought drinks there. Lots of things she said ended with the phrase ''as long as you buy drinks here.'' Drank up. Paid up. Walked back to line where we were now 20th or so. Sat down. Felt effects of alcohol take hold. Woo. Went into waiting room with 98 other people. Got quick rundown on how to act when you're On The Show from a producer chick. Eventually filed into the tiny studio and got awesome seats. Chatted briefly with Lou Black about Continental Airlines frequent flyer program, where I work, where I live, and where I voted. Yeah, Lou and I go way back. John Stewart came out and I chickened out of asking him, ''How many laps around the set make a mile?'' Show was done in real time. Jacob Dillon was the guest but his interview was fairly staid. Stewart was on the ball the whole time and constantly hilarious. Once done, we all filed out very pleased. Great experience. If you have the means, I highly recommend it.

Later met up with QueenBeth and Oktober's sister. Ate at a Indian place off East 6th and 1st Avenue. Four Indian places were actually caddy cornered with each other, each with a guy standing at the door egging on diners with ''COME INSIDE MY DOOR!'' or ''OUR FOOD IS BETTER THAN THEIR FOOD'' and funny stuff like that. Competition is good. They compete with who can hang the most hot pepper Christmas lights from their ceilings. Our place was well in 4th place in that respect. Ate dinner at a birthday party with Oktober's sister's nice stoned friends. After party was over we hit a Wine/Coffee bar nearby and chatted away til' I had to leave at 11. Took train home and took a cab back from 30th Street station. Great. Wait til I give you my weekend details. Must get ready and go to work. Mo' later.

jackass

2002.11.05 13.25

Hired a dog walker yesterday. We'll see how Chew gets along with him. Basset hounds aren't known as being killers. A 45 minute walk in the midafternoon costs $10 a pop. Beats trying to get home as fast as possible to avoid crossing the 12 hour threshold since the last walk. He can hold it, but relief is always good. That plus maybe he'll hook up with some hottie dogs that only go out at 3 P.M. Hehe. Hottie Dogs.

Listening to ''The Eminem Show'' and working on my daily tasks. Got a project plan now that says exactly what I have to do on an hour by hour basis. At first I was skeptical but now that I'm a week into the schedule... I love it. If only life could be this structured. Guess I have to either become the President or some kind of person who needs a travelling secretary. I'd hire Jennifer Garner as my secretary, now that I think about it. Hmmm. Anyway, Mr. Mather's ''8 Mile'' comes out this weekend and my interest is there. ''Punch Drunk Love'' will probably win out, though. And speaking of juries, Winona. Good luck. I bought cake mix and a big ass nail file last night, baby.

I finally acquired a case of Diet Vanilla Coke. It is yum. I am giving it to coworkers trying to get them hooked. The first one is always free. So far only a couple people have rejected it. They'll learn.

Read an article on CNN.com about the problems that arise when you have a ''solicitous'' spouse or a ''suck it up'' spouse. The solicitous spouse is always helping you and offering comfort and giving the other spouse physical support and such. The ''suck it up'' spouse just kind of offers advice and doesn't really offer extending physical comfort (like backrubs or whatever). Apparently the solicitous spouse is bad. You feel bad, but the solicitous spouse makes it worse by encouraging talk about it and not really doing things that will permanently help. The ''suck it up'' spouse forces you to figure out how to get over the pain or whatever problems you're encountering on your own. Very funny. So, what kind of spouse (or partner) would *you* want? My jury is still out on this one.

Going to see ''JackAss'' tonight with fellow coworker geeks. I suspect crazy times ahead. My dog walker just reported back. He says Chew Chew bit him, and that he got shocked by the bark collar, all in the first two minutes. Everything after that was cake, however. Preparing myself for imminent lawsuit.

green oj and ham

2002.11.02 20.27

Digging through my archives trying to find my old videotape collection Lotus 123 spreadsheet. Found this old poem I wrote the night before the first OJ trial ended. Oddly enough this poem has been edited and mangled over the years even though I only posted it in the usenet newsgroups in May 1995. It's also possible someone read it during a news story on OJ, but of course, no credit for me. Oh well.

DID YOU DO THIS AWFUL CRIME?
DID YOU DO IT ANYTIME?

I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, anytime.

DID YOU TAKE THIS PERSON'S LIFE?
DID YOU DO IT WITH A KNIFE?

I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not, kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, anytime.

DID YOU LEAVE A POOL A BLOOD?
DID YOU DROP THIS BLOODY GLOVE?

I did not leave a pool of blood.
I cannot wear that tiny glove.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, anytime.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO TAKE THE STAND?
WILL THIS NEW GLOVE FIT YOUR HAND?

I do not want to take the stand.
I plead the 5th because I can.
This glove could fit on any hand.
I was framed by Fuhrman, he's your man.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, anytime.

WHERE WERE YOU AT 10:22?
WAS YOUR BRONCO PARKED ASKEW?

I was chipping golfballs if you please.
No, wait, I forgot, my bad knees.
I was taking a nap, yeah that's right.
I could not parallel park that night!
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, anytime.

WHO WILL VOUCH FOR YOUR BUTT?
HOW DID YOU RECEIVE THIS CUT?

Kato saw me on that day.
He could not, would not, lie for pay.
Three knocks he heard upon the wall
My A/C repair man I must call.
As for how this cut was made,
My car phone slit me like a blade.
Or was it the glass that I had thrown
When my wife's death to me was made known?
Look... I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, anytime.

I would not do it at the gate,
I would not do it filled with hate.
Who did this crime? I do not know.
That slow-speed chase was just for show.
I freaked, that's true, what can I say?
A.C. said, "Juice, just run away."
Instead I chose to go to trial,
8 mL of blood was in that vial.
I did not do this awful crime,
I could not, would not, anytime.

Got a nice little hangover from last night. Excedrine fixes everything, however. To make this even more complete, here are some opening lines I wrote July 26, 1995 for the Late Show with David Letterman. I was just practicing my comedy writing ability, not much more than that. This is the part where the announcer changes up the intro about the show coming from New York. I figure this is timely since I will be up there again next weekend to hopefully hang out with Oktober and Queen Beth. Here goes in no particular order:

From New York....
The city that could solve the deficit by charging exit fees,
The city that even a mother could love,
The city where even Newt Gingrich could lose his virginity,
The home of the best cow tongue sandwhiches you've ever tasted,
The city that Bill Clinton plans to turn into the world's largest prison,
The city where a Coke and a Smile could earn you 2 to 5,
The city that ran out of toilet paper and didn't notice,
The city where the rats can pick open a car door inside 10 seconds,
The city where if at first you don't succeed there's always Madonna's place.

I know. Jabs at Madonna are uncool. She rules, but I believe at the time she was in that low spot where everyone was dogging her. Apologies to Madonna -- I think you're great. Call me.

customer service

2002.11.01 11.17

Just got off phone with Merrill Lynch. Nightmare! I'm reminded of a recurring dream I have where I get stuck in an elevator and the bottom falls out. There is no escape for me and I totally die and wake up when I hit the bottom. I had the same experience on the phone today, except for the dying and the scary and the elevator parts. Today is first day I can access new 401K account according to their pretty brochure. Wrong. Called to get a PIN. Tried 3 times. Everytime it failed, it didn't tell me it failed, it just sent me back to a phone rep. Phone rep first tried to tell me I couldn't start my PIN with a 0 and also probably forgot to ENTER the asterisk when I was prompted. Right away you realize these people have problems because their phone system says weird things like "ENTER THE 1 KEY" instead of "PRESS THE 1 KEY." I know, semantics are a bitch, but every freakin other phone system says PUSH so why should they be allowed to say ENTER. I think ENTER implies that you have to hit ENTER since that happens to be a button on keyboards that people are familiar with. It also doesn't help that ENTER has other meanings like ENTER the room and so forth. There's no ENTER key on your phone keypad you idiots! I wonder how I can leave them a comment about this usability infraction, but I wouldn't know how since I don't have a freakin ENTER key. After third attempt at getting some PIN, a third phone rep came on to tell me I couldn't log in until I got my first PIN. That first PIN may be in Houston if they mailed it in the last week, though I doubt it. The guy kept asking if I wanted to enroll, and I'm like, ''NO! I JUST WANT A PIN!'' Enroll? Ugh. So, the guy asks me to hold on and that he's transferring me to a phone rep that specializes in my company's 401K account. After about 30 seconds of silence, the phone goes dead. They hung up on me. Great. To be continued.

Didn't go out last night. Dressed up in a weird mask and all black, but I was feeling sleepy. I get up at 6 AM every morning so staying up late on a ''school night'' is not easy. I took some pics of my costume, however. Toss that one on the huge pile of photos I haven't published yet. Still going to #'s tonight. Be there.

Took Chew Chew to the vet for boarding. Met another female basset hound named Grace, 13 yrs old and looking great. Didn't know how long bassets lived. He'll be 4 in January, so it looks like he's going to accompany me through my 40's. (At least someone will be there, hehe).

Not talking to the aforementioned neighbor anymore. Do me a favor and don't bring the topic up if you see either one of us. Some things are better left alone. Like five month old blue cheese dip, for example.