death to spooky

2002.03.29 21.26

On flight 1980 to Houston, 31000 feet, 500 miles per hour, ETA 7:24 PM CT. Sitting in seat 5C. Some kid had the window seat and I was on the aisle. We were just about to leave when some last minute guy in sweats came in and say between us. It's Good Friday and there are hundreds of empty seats but he picked this one cuz it's so close to the door. He was strapping on his CURTIS brand CD player while we were still on the tarmac. Stewardess was kind enough to allow the kid to escape to a better seat and ''Mr. You Don't Mind If I am Touching You?'' hopped over to the window. he is snoring like a giant cow right now. Earlier he was popping his gum and jamming out on some 60's soul. I am almost included to dig out my headphones to watch ''Behind Enemy Lines'' again for the fifth freakin' time so I don't have to hear his sawing away. Bleah. To make it more fun, there is a lot of unusual turbulance outside and we are getting batted all around. My prize for making it home consists of hanging out with my friend Adam and possibly joining an entourage of attractive single coworkers downtown for a wild and crazy time. Or not. I will be missing our ''End of The Plan'' party which I can't discuss for security reasons. ''The Plan'' was designed as a safety net. That's all I'll say -- especially because there's nothing funny about it. Well, if it involved hiding corpses on company owned land instead of cremating them then that would be funny. Or not. I guess human beef jerky isn't funny. The captain is back on the intercom telling us she dove to 28000 feet and the air is much smoother down here. It is. The air is also thicker so the sound of air rushing by outside is louder resulting in The Professional Snoring Man from being drowned out. After ten months of this, it couldn't get much worse.

Okay. It just got worse. He wanted to trade me his apple for my bag of chips. Bleah. Somebody shoot me. He's asking me how much this computer costs. Jesus, I'm about to get mugged. Where's the federal air marshall when you need him? Oh my God. He just got out a can of Skoal. Where is he gonna spit it? Help!

I am constantly trying to get my screen to where nobody can read it only to eventually upload it so the entire earth can read it. It's all about the degree of proximity. Speaking of my site, my company was gracious enough to host the celebrity site I run for the last year but I'm taking it back and hosting it on my own again. It was difficult to update from my remote location anyway so the timing is very good. The Batmobile has been running fine. The DeLorean is still dead. I have only driven 2000 miles in my Eclipse during the last year so that rocks. Totally. I have been given the opportunity to take a greater degree of control over front-end work at my job which is what I love doing, so things are looking good. I found out that Chew Chew was growling at a friend of mine from Houston who visited my house. I have a new roommate. Did I not mention that? Whoever is my roommate has the luck that I am always out of town and that my dad (who is awesome) takes care of all Chew Chew related activities. I'd like to fly Chew Chew up to Philly at some point. Is he too big to sit on my lap?

gimme the 4-1-1

2002.03.22 0.48

It was Monday night. My phone rang. I picked it up.

Me: ''Hello?''

Phone: [long pause] ''That's a weird way to answer the phone.''

Me: ''Huh? That's how I always answer the phone. Who is this?''

Phone: ''Uhhh... who is this?''

Me: ''I asked you first.''

Phone: ''Ummm... I'm trying to get information.''

Me: ''About what?''

Phone: ''Who is this?''

Me: ''Your momma.''

Phone: ''What?!''

Me: ''Chicken butt.''

Phone: ''Are you going to help me or what?''

Me: ''No.''

Phone: ''Why not?''

Me: ''I don't like you anymore.''

Phone: ''What the hell is wrong with you people?''

Me: [screaming] ''DON'T YOU TALK ABOUT MY PEOPLE LIKE THAT!''

Phone: [long silence] ''Who is this?''

Me: ''Your momma. I already told you this. Write it down, dammit.''

Phone: ''I'm not writing that down!''

Me: ''You'd better right it down. I'm gonna send Guido and Franky to your room if you don't.''

Phone: ''No you're not.''

Me: [puts phone aside and yells] ''You boys go rough this person up right now. You have my permission to use the metal pipe.''

Phone: ''I demand to know who you are.''

Me: ''You can ask Guido and Franky about me when they get there.''

Phone: [click]

Five minutes pass. The phone rings again.

Me: ''Information.''

Phone: ''Hi. Uh, I need the number for Chris' Pizza.''

Me: ''What for?''

Phone: ''Excuse me?''

Me: ''What for?''

Phone: ''What do you mean what for? Is... is this the same guy that I talked to five minutes ago?''

Me: ''No. I'm a different guy.''

Phone: ''Are you sure?''

Me: ''Let me check.'' [puts phone on the floor, focuses on TV which is playing Entertainment Tonight briefly, picks up phone again] ''Yes, I'm sure.''

Phone: [long pause] ''Who... err... so do you have the number or what?''

Me: ''What number?''

Phone: ''For Chris' Pizza.''

Me: ''Yes.''

Phone: ''Can I have it?''

Me: ''Yes.''

Phone: [pause] ''When?''

Me: ''Tomorrow?''

Phone: ''Are you crazy or something?''

Me: ''We are information. We are not crazy. For crazy, please contact the operator or try your call again.''

Phone: ''Can I have the number now?''

Me: ''Say please.''

Phone: ''Please?''

Me: ''No.''

Phone: ''Ugh! Why not?''

Me: ''If you'd like the number, please come down to the front desk with a cashier's check for twenty five cents.''

Phone: ''Why can't I pay in cash?''

Me: ''We don't accept cash.''

Phone: ''Can I talk to your supervisor?''

Me: ''Yes.'' [puts down phone, refocuses on Entertainment Tonight, picks up phone again] ''Can I help you?''

Phone: [pause] ''Hey, this is the same guy I just talked to''

Me: ''No it isn't.''

Phone: ''Yes it is! Stop lying.''

Me: ''Can we help you?''

Phone: ''Yeah, I've been trying to get the number for Chris' Pizza for the last five minutes and your person answering the phone won't give it to me.''

Me: ''We apologize for the inconvenience. Please hold for the number.''

Phone: ''Well, thank you very much.''

Me: [pause as I thumb through the newspaper] ''The number is... 6, 1, 0, 9, 7, 6, 3, 8, 2, 5.''

Phone: ''Okay. Got it. Thank you so much!''

Me: ''Thank you for calling. A charge of $25 dollars will appear on your bill when you check out.''

Phone: ''Huh? For what?''

Me: ''Thank you for calling. Goodbye.'' [hangs up phone]

Fifteen seconds pass and the phone rings again. I pick it up.

Me: ''What!?''

Phone: ''Is this the guy who just charged us twenty five dollars?''

Me: ''No.''

Phone: ''Yes it is! Man, you guys are a bunch of liars.''

Me: ''That's it. Stop calling me. Next time I call the police.''

Phone: ''The police!?''

Me: ''Yes!'

I hung up. Moral of the story? Never stay in room 411.

tripped out

2002.03.12 0.49

I'm leaning against the wall in the Grand Central Station subway track ramp. I am waiting for the number 4 to show up. Tonight I came to NY to see the trade center light towers and the sculpture "The Sphere" which used to reside in the courtyard between the towers. So freaky that it was covered with debris for so long and now stands resurrected. I then took the subway to Times Square. I walked into the Roxy deli only to be shocked by the menu. If I wana spend 22 bucks on a kinish, it had better be in the year 2037. And speaking of, I caught a showing of "the time machine" at the loews times square. It was a pretty awful flick. You would think it would be charming to watch a movie with New York as its initial setting. Wrongo. The story was just plain bad and boring. Jeremy Irons was totally wasted in a role that probably lasted all of five minutes. Thankfully the running time was only around 90 minutes and I was granted an early release. I deferred to the cheap culinary delights of McDonald's thereafter. So, now I am here and waiting forever for the number 4 to downtown. I am at the Wall Street terminal. My lovely rental car is parked at the Battery Parking Garage. How clever! The garage has amenities such as scary unlit floors and exits that lead to locked doors. It was like being lost in the bathroom, only with the lights on...

dr. know

2002.03.11 0.50

cirrus
socrates
particle
decible
hurricane
dolphin
tulip
monica
david
monica

9'' nails

2002.03.06 0.52

Been listening to a lot of Trent Reznor. Specifically All That Could Have Been and Halo 17 Disc 2. In this column you'll find lyrics to The Wretched. I wish I could come up with stuff like this. Well, it's either that or maybe it's the comfort in fact that someone else is more ticked off about relationships than I am. Nine Inch Nails - The Wretched Just a reflection Just a glimpse Just a little reminder Of all the what abouts And all the might have beens The could have beens Another day Some other way But not another reason to continue And now you're one of us The wretched The hopes and prays For better days The far aways Forget it It didn't turn out the way you wanted it to It didn't turn out the way you wanted it, did it? Now you know This is what it feels like Now you know This is what it feels like The clouds will part and the sky cracks open And God himself will reach his arm through Just to push you down Just to hold you down Stuck in the hole It's hard to believe it could come to this Back at the beginning Sinking Spinning And in the end We still pretend The time we spend Not knowing when You're finally free And you could be It didn't turn out the way you wanted it to It didn't turn out quite the way that you wanted it to Now you know This is what it feels like Now you know This is what it feels like You can try to stop it but it keeps on coming You can try to stop it but

In this column you'll find a song from the brilliant 80s band Duran Duran. They are good at hitting the mark and this time they hit the bullseye. It's also got a great melody and you can dance to it. I believe you can also throw flaming poop while listening to it as well, but the warning label on the CD said not to try it. Do You Believe In Shame? (LeBon, Rhodes, Taylor) Do you believe in love? Do you believe in shame? And if love can conquer all then why do we only feel the pain? I heard you speak my name, heard you singing The Stones, Maybe heard you laughing in a line of static on my telephone So why your eyelids are closed, inside a case of rust, And did you have to change all your poets fire into frozen dust? I've tried to justify it, to learn from your mistake, But where's the stupid lie that has to make it's point - With such a pointless waste. Come out... Do you believe in shame? Do you believe in love? And if they taste the same would you love again or abandon both? I don't think I ever can, believe my friend has gone, Keep saying it's alright, I'm going to bring you back but I know I'm wrong. There's nothing I can say, there's nothing left to do It's just that lately I feel so damn lonely when I think of you And it may seem selfish now, but I'll hold on to the memory Until all this fear is washed away Do you believe in love? Do you believe in life? 'Cos I believe a little part of you inside of me will never die.. 'Cos I believe a little part of you inside of me will never die.. 'Cos I believe a little part of you inside of me will never die.. 'Cos I believe a little part of you inside of me will never... die.

interesting puzzle

2002.03.06 0.00

Look very closely... can you see what's wrong with this picture? It may take you 30 seconds or more to spot something really weird. Take your time and look at the details.