caption?
2002.02.28 0.54
A caption I wrote got accepted on StarWars.com. I'm the last one on the list of captions. Yay.
 Chew Chew tries to cheer up after hearing the news that Mark's relationships haven't been working out. ''But I thought you said you were going to hook me up with a girl who has a dog!'' lamented a disappointed Chew Chew. ''That's it. I'm not jumping up and down again until I get some action. This sucks!'' complained Chew Chew at an impromptu news conference held later that evening on the right side of the bed. |
backtrack
2002.02.26 0.58
Let me catch you up with the past 72 hours. I stepped off the plane on Friday night in Houston. I have to walk by the George Bush Sr. bronze statue to get to baggage claim. I like the statue. It makes him seem like a superhero. So, I'm walking out with several other people including a little chump dude on my right hand side. As we pass the statue, I hear the distinct sound of someone hawking up a giant loogie and spitting it out. I'm confused at this point because I can't believe what I think just happened. I ask the short guy, ''Did you just spit?'' and he's all, ''Hey, man, it's George Bush,'' and I'm all, ''Well, either way, that's a f***ing rude a**hole thing to do, don't you think?'' It was at this point that I started to flex my excuse for upper musculature and was ready to pound his head into the wall. The guy just shrugged and looked like he was trying to size me up. Dude, I was SO pissed. The guy didn't turn to go into the main area toward baggage claim and instead headed toward other gates. After he left I was totally seething. Yes, you can have your opinion of someone and you are completely entitled to it. But spitting on a statue in public is so low grade (and not to mention unsanitary). You won't find me ever spitting on a Bill Clinton or Jimmy Carter statue no matter how much I may disagree with their policies. Man, how stupid are people getting these days?
Not wanting to maintain the negative energy and karma that the George Bush Spitter had enflamed, I called my friend Fonguro (AKA Daniel) hoping he'd have something fun planned that I could tag my ass along to. When he answered his phone I gave him the obligatory ''WHAAAATTTSSSS UPPPPPPP'' rejoinder. He was all, ''Aw, man, shut up! Hold on!'' and then clicked over to the other line. Unbeknownst to me, another friend of ours had called only seconds earlier and done the exact same thing. Daniel thought my calling was a set up. It's nice how popular culture can bring us all together by changing the way we greet one another. Now, if popular culture could just get me a hot date, I'd be all set.
We ate at a place off 59 called Lupe Tortillas that serves these lime marinated fajitas which were fantastic. Food is good food, as I say. We finished off the evening by playing foosball at two different entertainment complexes (the names of each I can't recall). I turned in at a fairly decent hour after I took my dog for a walk and brought him inside. One thing I have learned from my friends was that I wasn't spending enough time with my dog. I usually lay down a blanket on the other side of the bed and Chew Chew eventually calms down conking out over there. I've only been woken up twice by the hound dog smelling at my face. I think that since I haven't been around much for the past nine months that he can't believe I'm letting him sleep inside. He still smells pretty good although I suspect the winter weather has kept him fresh from his last bath. My ex-roommate would still tell you that he stinks but then again she's also the same person who couldn't smell the acrid pee and poop of her kitty litter box. Thank god she was convinced to eventually buy the crystal litter. Sheesh, I can't believe I actually talked her into something that one time. We are not on good terms now due to a conflict over my doing a favor and the timing of that favor. I'll bring that up another time when I'm more open minded.
The rest of the weekend was fairly uneventful. I sat myself down and watched the first six episodes of ''Sex and the City'' as I did my bills and projected how to erase my debt. I also took up some advice from a friend and opened up a savings account. I have a 401K with a decent amount of fundage but I have no real account labeled as savings. I know it is a psychological thing, labeling an account separately as savings, but I figure I might as well save up for that loft apartment in New York. The list of things needing to be done still includes finishing the kitchen, assessing the exterior of the house, bringing the DeLorean and Batmobile back online, and doing my laundry. I swear, if the maid would do my laundry, the world would be a better place.
On Monday I ate at Mission Burrito with my app dev coworkers in Houston and got my BlackBerry Wireless Device™ working again. I haven't had a working PIN since, like, last August. The Company doesn't want to pay for the wireless web service on my SprintPCS™ mobile phone, so I had to step up to the plate and get that done. I also gathered together the materials to create The Mark Wahlberg Youth Foundation web site which I am eagerly going to finish on Tuesday night in lieu of going to New York and watching movies and drinking coffee. I'll have to do that on Wednesday, instead, sniff sniff. This will be just in time as the mood here has been vapid as of late. It's not like people are spitting on our statue somewhere.
One of us won't last the night, between you and me it's no surprise There's two of us, both can't be right Neither will move till it's over I'm the center of attention and the wall's inside my head And no one will ever know it if I keep my mouth shut tight My own little world is what I deserve Cause I am the only child there is I'm king of it all, the belle of the ball I promise I've always been like this Forever the first, my bubble can't burst It's almost like only I exist Where everything's fine, if I can keep my mouth shut tight... tight... tight All by myself, I'm so much better on my own And way out there, it is the same old place that it always has been I'm the center of attention and the wall's inside my head And no one will ever know it if I keep my mouth shut tight... tight... tightGuster, 1999, ''Center of Attention'' from ''Lost and Gone Forever''
body slam
2002.02.22 0.59
My revised body damage from skiing on the slopes of Blue Mountain yesterday includes:Yeah, I'd do it again. With someone else, preferrably. Okay, the damn plane has begun descending. More later when I return to the urban sprawl and ugly freeways that are Houston.
stood up
2002.02.21 1.01
I tried to fly in this girl I know in Houston. We were going to go on the ski trip tomorrow. Got a plane ticket off PriceLine.com and everything. Got stood up. Stinks. I went to Target to shop and vent my frustration. Of course, if I was really really really mad, I would have hit the Macy's or Banana Republic. Gotta watch the budget, right?batman returns
2002.02.21 1.00
Last night I seriously considered just blowing past the ski trip and going to work instead. I decided I'd still set the alarm clocks to go off at 4 AM. I'd decide then. When I woke up I thought, ''what the hell?'' and got ready. I used Yahoo Maps to find my way to the station. Yahoo Maps SUCK in Philadelphia. They always want you to drive through the worst parts of the city. I started to freak out that I wasn't going to make it there in time. I had to stop and ask for directions two times because the intersections are so poorly marked. I did find it, though. Upon my arrival I was promptly greeted by a cute intern named Leigh who handed me an envelope containing tickets and an itinerary. She then pointed me to the coffee and donuts which I snarfed. I then climbed into the bus and took a nap as we drove to Blue Mountain
We arrived about an hour before anything opened, so I got to inspect the premises for quite a while. Eventually the rental shop and lift ticket booth opened up and I made my purchases. Lift tickets are actually ''zipper passes'' that you clip to your jacket zipper. I tried on my skis. They did fit. I then FOOLISHLY thought I would ski down to the lift. Big mistake. I was able to maintain balance but I realized I had no idea how to stop. So I wiped out. I did a fair degree of damage to my right hand. That was injury #1. Ouch. Not pretty. I took off my skis and walked back to the lodge via a dirt road. At that point I hated skiing. I went back to the lodge and tried to relax. I called my coworker (Will) on my cell phone to inquire how anyone could like this sport? Skiing. Swimming. Skating. All of these are insane opportunities to take a brush with death. How many people die from playing basketball, I ask? None! Totally safe. No water to drown in. No solid objects to ski into. Will had some advice for me: Take a skiing class. What I didn't realize at first was that practically all of the contest winners with me were already expert skiers. In Texas, we don't ski. We eat snow cones and say things like, ''Wow, this snow cone sure is cold.'' We never say, ''Wow, I could take 500,000 snowcones and spread it across the side of a mountain and ski on it!'' Oh, we don't have mountains either, did I mention that? So, anyway, I took my extra lift and rental tickets and sold them to people waiting in line. This allowed me to finance the purchase of gloves from the ski shop. Next up was a trip to the First Aid station to clean up my bloody hand. It was self serve so I just did the usual alcohol pad and bandaid dealy-y0.
The lesson was fantastic. I got one-on-one treatment with the instructor as it was so early. My instructor was named Brian Vick and it turns out he runs an online store called SuperDairyBoy.com specializing in ''unique toys.'' He'd even been to the New York Toy Fair just this past week. Why does everyone get to go to that thing? I wanna go! We discussed marketing and traffic generation tips everytime I had to side step back up the bunny slopes where I practiced stopping, and turning, and turning and turning. After a solid hour of practice I was ready to tempt death once again on the bloody slopes of Blue Moutain. My blood. Everything turned out great after the lesson. I was able to get to the lift without a problem. Matter of fact, I only briefly stopped skiing the whole day to eat lunch and grab a snack later on (pretzels + mustard = goooooood). I think I got in a good six hours of skiing before we had to leave at 5. I skied all over that place. I never ventured into the more dangerous routes, however. Maybe the next time after the next time. My final bodily battle damage includes: bruised/cute right hand (cause: wipeout), sore left shoulder (cause: wipeout), extremely sore left knee (cause: my left knee has always sucked), some minor aches in my ribs (cause: wipeout) and a sore right ankle (cause: previous injury). I obviously wiped out a number of times to do all this, but the gloves saved me from any more digital damage. I only wish I wouldn't have forgotten them on the bus when I got back to Philadelphia. Frustrating. I'm now back in the good ol' Best Western and trying not to move anymore. Ever.
In older news, I signed up for something like 10 different singles websites before I went to bed last night. Today in retrospect, however, I am starting to think this is a really bad idea since the results have been fruitless. While it is true that the ski lodge was filled with many girls, most of them were either married, dating someone, too young, too old or too ugly. I'm talking Lassie would be able to hold entire conversations with them, but I digress. While I was on the ski lift I spotted this mom totally checking me out. I, uhhhh, pretended to be looking at my phone when that happened. Uhhh... yeah. ;-)
2 A.M.
2002.02.20 1.01
Tried to fall asleep. Kept dreaming that I was searching for a photo album or something. Sketchy memory failing me.
Since I'm awake anyway, I updated my Yahoo Personal for the third time. I decided to go all out, no holds barred. Yes, that's right. I posted a picture
of myself without a shirt on. Did I really have to sink that low?
in some knee, yeah?
2002.02.19 4.30
It's 4:30 AM and I can't sleep. Went to the Sixers game last night and saw them totally kick the other team's ass. Iverson was great, of course. There was plenty of food and drink.
Too much, even. That's not why I'm awake. Other than having plastic plates thrown at me while I was surfing the web on the Comcast internet connection there, all was good.
The Company owns the suite and I am fortunate to get the chance to party in it. Some of us even considered what it would be like to live inside of it.
Other than the giant freaking hole in one side of the suite that opens up into a basketball stadium, it's not half bad.
For some reason I have never documented the action figure madness that is my living room. What started off as a couple of X-Men action figures in 1992 has turned into a fairly significant collection. There is more than what you'll see displayed here. Somewhere after 1997 I figured out that I needed to get a life and stop screwing around with the action figures. However, this didn't stop me from buying more. I don't think I really got to play with toys enough as I grew up so now I'm making up for that lost piece of youth. The marketing material that makes up the cards, the blister pack, the thought out packing, all of it is total geeky goodness to me. My friends are always asking me if I could sell these if I had to. Yes. Although most of the fun is trying to find them and build a collection. Oh, that and trying to explain to the clerk why you are buying 35 Star Wars action figures at once.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
which blade?
2002.02.19 1.02
Watching ''Witch Blade'' on the WB. Bad acting. Very TV-ish. Seems like the smoke machine they've been overusing is supposed to make a regular city street look gritty and menacing. I've said in the past that I want a smoke machine for my house. I'd keep that sucker going 24/7. If you were to come by you'd have to waft through all that grit and menace to find me. Maybe I'd keep a flashlight at the front door for you. Maybe I'd forget to put batteries in it. Heh.
I've been trying matchmaking online again and so far the results are abyssmal. What really ought to be happening is that the personals websites should be paying me to report what it's like to receive no responses and to grow inpatient with the whole process. I think a consulting fee in the $300/hr range will suffice.
Look. My own Loggy Icon. Here are more. This guy just
makes one for you and you accept it. Kind of like the flu. Anyway, I updated my biography
to celebrate and also to post more pictures of my fantastic face. Hopefully I've cut back on the cheese but left in
the meat and potatos. If you miss any of the older stuff in there, visit The Way Back Machine
at Archive.org. They archive websites dating back to 1996 (just like me, only with useless bills).
call me because i'm cute
2002.02.14 1.08
My latest purchase from the evil masterminds at Amazon.com:Under Rug Swept Alanis Morissette; Audio CD; @ $12.99 each Not yet releasedMy ex-girlfriend Laura was waiting in line for the bathroom in Los Angeles at the premiere of ''The Perfect Storm.'' I was standing outside when Alanis walked past me and into the bathroom. I was all, ''Wow, my girlfriend is in the same bathroom with Alanis.'' I wasn't sure if that was a cool thing or something I just shouldn't remember. Anyway, Alanis just had to fix a run in her pantyhose. I thought she was going to turn into a Transformer Robot and fly out the window and fight bad guys in the Andromeda galaxy, but nooooo. Just a normal person.
back to the future
2002.02.13 22.00
Two hours until Valentine's day. I hear what sounds like some female laughing her ass off in the room above me. I tried to switch through the TV to find the show she was watching. Nada. The funniest thing on was some public access station with a guy reading typed pages. He was changing from one page to the other and they got out of sequence, completely confusing him. Reminded me of my audition for Senior Showoffs back in 1987. We had only read our script one time. All of us couldn't understand it, but we read it through, confusion and all, regardless. Turns out we were missing two pages and the first and last page had been reversed. Nice. If we'd been making a David Lynch movie, maybe that would have been a good thing.Got a phone call from my friend Chris yesterday to hang out and possibly go venturing into town. Haven't been back in the city since last month. Okay, not true. I went to a pot luck last week. Sue me. I'm not in charge of memory. Tom is in charge of memory. (Don't Ask). On the way there I was listening to The Point, an 80's rock station. They had a trivia contest going on and the prize was an expense paid all-day ski trip. I won. Totally cake question. ''What year was Phil Collin's No Jacket Required voted album of the year?'' Duh! 1985. I mentally LIVE in 1985. They wanted caller number 9. I first got through as caller number 5. Click! I called back and it rang again. The DJ answered and then I answered and then the DJ was all, "Dude you totally won" and I was all, "Dude I am totally there" and he was all, "Dude, that's great, what's your favorite station?" and I was like, "Dude.... YOURS!'' and then... silence. I was then told to hang on and put on hold. After two minutes the DJ came back and recorded my personal info and gave me the dibs on the trip. Free ride for two to Blue Mountain, two free lift tickets, two free rentals, free food for two. Not too shabby, except figuring out what I'm going to do about the "two" part of the equation. I haven't won anything since the early 90's. In 1991 I estimate I won something like 45 movie passes from radio stations. No wonder it took 8 years to get through college.
insomaniac
2002.02.12 1.10
Watched Castaway and had myself a fairly decent cry. Not, WAH! WAH! More sniffly and emotional like. A good Robert Zemeckis movie always hits the spot whenever I feel like this. Forrest Gump. Castaway. Contact. All good double-hanky movies. I know. Sad, eh? Send me some money if you feel so sad for me. I prefer 20's, please.
I was desperately awaiting an expense check for a hella lotta money to pay off American Express before they send their hit men after me. I specifically had The Company mail it to the office here in Philly. Guess what the Philly office did? THEY MAILED IT TO MY HOUSE IN HOUSTON! DOH! So, I had to get my awesome dad to FEDEX it back to me here again. How stupid that this little slip of paper has to travel nearly 5000 miles just so I can give it to the bank. The upside is that I get to track the FEDEX package. That's always cool fun. FedEx is the company that Tom Hanks' character works for in ''Castaway'' so this is so totally on the topic of the day for me. Here's what the package has done so far, from newest event to oldest event:
Left FedEx Ramp HOUSTON TX 02/11/2002 23:33Left FedEx Origin Location HOUSTON TX 02/11/2002 21:21
Arrived at FedEx Ramp HOUSTON TX 02/11/2002 21:14
Picked up by FedEx HOUSTON TX 02/11/2002 16:25
I can't help but wonder what would happen if I were to take the check back to the Philly Office again. I would hope they would call me to tell me my check mysteriously reappeared, but I'd still bet a hundred bucks that they'd try mailing it back to Houston again -- even though I did call them and express dismay and disappointment about their misguided directive to send a check 1600 miles in the opposite direction of where I could get it. My contact tried to play off the issue by saying, ''oh, we always mail the checks out to the consultants.'' Riiiight. Okay, enough bitching and whining. Tomorrow morning this will all be over and the AMEX Mafia can get off my back.
nu
2002.02.10 1.10
Went to a party thrown by the Philly office branch of The Company. Had a good time manipulating the jukebox. Firehouses in Pennsylvania raise money by renting out their banquet halls. I didn't realize there was a banquet hall in a firehouse. There aren't in Texas. I wanna rent out my attic and make some money. I could probably fit, what, like 3 or 4 people up there. Voluntarily of course. Duh.
I am always in a rush to get things done when I'm home. I also think time actually goes faster when I'm not at work.
Some kind of moon thing or astral deal or pact that management has with the devil or something.
My pal Carl and I have always understood this about each other. If Carl blows off a meeting with me or if he can't come through on a favor,
I always let it slide. You have to. Friends aren't perfect. Life's too short. We should all be forgiveness sluts. If you want it, I'll give it to you.
So you forgot to cover up things while you were painting the bathroom and you made a mess of tiny droplets everywhere?
I'll clean it up. Need help moving? Call me. Need a ride to the bus station? I'm there.
Wanna see a concert for free? Wanna meet Brad Pitt? Wanna go to Disneyland, my treat? Wanna go to the zoo, on me? I'll drive? Wanna shop?
Can I hold those for you? Cheesh. I suck at being a friend, don't I? :-(
Snap.
super bowel
2002.02.03 1.11
On my way back. Barely got out of having to sit between two really big guys. Nothing wrong with big guys, except when I have to sit in economy class in the second to last row of the plane between them. Contemplated suicide briefly to avoid dire agony. Begged stewardess to let me sit with her in the kitchen. Was willing to stowaway in the bathroom. Anything! In the end, I lucked out and a nice couple with an empty window seat let me sit there. I was like, ''Dude, can your girlfriend sit between us?'' He only popped me one time. Bastard.flighty
2002.02.01 1.12
Been hunting for a power outlet for 15 minutes here at the Philly airport. Found one after 10 minutes of searching. Another dude saw that I'd found one and ran over to plug his laptop into the last free jack. Bunch of other guys are now swarming over us like vultures and waiting for some power. Yeah, that's right. I've got the power! And to think I was briefly considering just plopping myself in between this loud obnoxious group of talking people who had been blocking an outlet with their junk. I even considered sneezing a bunch after settling down to disperse them.Been trying to save $ and pay off debt this year. The ''car'' is responsible for half of that. On my What The Hell You Only Live Once advice, I went into the ''Blue Planet'' comic store (off Kirby and U.S. 59 in Houston) last weekend and bought myself a new treasured possession: The 1988 Nolan Ryan Starting LineUp action figure. This bad boy has been begging me to buy it for years and years. I finally gave in to the voices in my head. They've helped me avoid traffic accidents and ugly girls in the past. I figure they deserve a cookie. I'm glad those voices don't get to participate in my blog. Hmmm. Wait, maybe they can.
Hi, I'm Bueller. I'm one of Mark's voices. I cite Stanley Kubrick, P.T. Anderson and Jenna Jameson as my inspirations. Putting those three influences together is lots of fun. I had a small hand in talking Mark into buying that Jane Fonda fingernail collection. It frickkin rocks! The Barbarella series fingernails are totallly awesemmmm. They also make very good can openers and can cut glass. Okay. Enough about me. Blackout Bob wants to talk.
hii,, i'm bubba blackout and dooood, like, you know i am totally the voice that... hehahhoh ... uhhh.. hehehe... uh oh yeah I totally get to totally take over whenever my body is wasted, passes out, gets a concussion, or is forced to watch an old repeat of Gilmour Girls against my will... uhhhhh... our will? whatever. so, dude, you're gettin' a dell!!!!!! hhahah ok ok ok you're not really getting a dell but you should ---that steven dell dude on the tv is really smart. although, you know i really wanna know what kinda stash he has to talk like that all the time. man, im sure he's got a killer liquor cabinet with all the dough he makes off those boss commercials. hehh... ok ok ok, dude i have got to go, i am totally tired and need to crash on your sofa. hasta.
Okay, I'm back. The secret service agents are here to take me away. Before I go, I'm trying to see if anyone can locate my long lost buddy Richard Noble. His parents sometimes called him David but I'm not sure if that was his middle name or his real first name. He has a brother named Andrew and a sister named Yvonne. He likes Prince and Sade. He got married in 1997 or 1998. His mom is from Jamaica. He went to Jersey Village High School and graduated in 1987. He attended Houston Baptist University for two years. He's a Canadian citizen. His nickname in high school was Webby due to an unforunate resemblence to the kid on the show ''Webster.'' We used to put Richard in the trunk of my Toyota whenever our car load of girls in the morning required more room. I believe I drove in the trunk a few times out of fairness. Amazing we never got into any trouble for doing this, although we put a nice sleeping bag and pillow in there. Richard is Soul Brother #1 and I'm looking for his ass.
Perhaps we'll chat later?
