under the wire & thru the woods

2001.12.31 1.25

Sorry for the lack of updates. I've been knee deep in apathy and procrastination. Got lots to talk about. Don't got lots of time. Will update site with new layout I have been harboring like a fugitive within the next couple of days. Returning to Philly tomorrow night on the first. Can't wait to get back to my new friends.

Ask Your CoWorker

Today's Question: ''What is your New Year's resolution?

''To stop scratching my head all the time. Oh, man. There I go again! Dammit!''		''I can't think of anything. Ask me next week when I'm out of my holiday mood.''
''I don't believe in revolution. Give peace a chance, okay?''		''To stop being so damn good looking?''
''I just resubmit the same resolutions from last year. I'm thrifty like that.''		''To stop getting so many tattoos. All I have left are my palms!''
''I promise not to order odd numbers of sushi. Do you know how hard it is to split a piece of sushi with your wife?''		''It's New Year's? Again? I'm going to need documentation from you proving that.''
''I need to stop getting into strange Batmobiles with strangers.''		''I gave up on doing that back in the early 80's. My last one was to get Wham! reunited. I think you can see how that turned out.''

livin' la cd loca

2001.12.07 1.26

Went to a Philly Flyers game last night courtesy of the generous folks here at the Philly office. I haven't been back to the First Union Center since I attended the Madonna concert. Now I was up in a club suite stocked full of food and drinks. It was very nice. Wish I could bring some of my Houston clients up there to enjoy that. A club suite in Houston would cost an arm, a leg, six lungs, fives kidneys, four livers, three hearts, two testicles and a partridge in a pear tree.

I have been working about 50 to 60 hours each week. I am around for the 9 to 5 hours but I keep going when I return to the hotel. I also put in some time when I'm flying back and forth on the airplane. I usually spend about 16 hours in transit as I commute to and from Philly. Many of us, including myself, only charge for 40 hours of work. The idea is that I try to do as many things as possible with my time, including developing solutions to problems that are going to pop up down the road. By spending a few hours here and there developing a strategy for the future of a project, I'm able to avoid transition problems and change management issues. This philosophy has worked flawlessly for me during the past 5 years and led to many successful projects. Michael Capellas, CEO of Compaq, once told a local Houston paper that he was able to rise to the top by taking on more responsibilities than he'd been given. His success was attributable to attacking additional responsibilities that he saw the need for. Just because you're not assigned to a problem doesn't mean you can't identify and eliminate them before they appear. I respect that philosophy. Let's all join in a chorus of Aretha Franklin's ''Respect.'' You start. No, really. I'm serious.

Bumpy plane. More later.

Ask Your CoWorker

Today's Question: ''If captured, how should the U.S. punish Osama bin Ladin?"

''We could eat his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.''		''Open an amusement park where sucker punching him in the gut is the only ride.''
''First, we'll force him to star in some gay porn...''		''Involuntary sex change?''
''Make him wear a pink frilly tu-tu. I have one at home, actually.''		''Tattoo 'USA Sucks!' on his forehead and then drop him off in south Philly.''
''Have every taxi in New York run over his dead carcass. Dude, Pay Per View!''		''Let's experiment and see how much dog poop he can eat at one sitting.''

strangers

2001.12.02 1.27

The stupidest thing they do at the airport is ask you those questions about your baggage. Tonight at the Delta Airlines ticketing booth I was asked, for a second time in as many weeks, the following question: ''Have you received anything from strangers?'' The question is opened ended. There is no timespan in the question. Do you mean EVER? Am I supposed to just guess that they mean today? Isn't my trying to guess what they mean a bad thing? And, well, what do you mean by a stranger? I have a lot of receipts in my wallet. I didn't really know the cashiers that gave them to me. So, yes, I have in fact received something from a stranger. I have some junk mail and some bills in my luggage. I know that my bank mailed them to me, but I don't really know who specifically did the mailing, which pretty much makes that person a stranger. Come to think of it, all of the clothes I am wearing were bought from a store. I can honestly say that the sales clerk that sold me these clothes was a stranger. The people who made them are strangers. What about my luggage? How much of anything that we own have we not received from strangers? If we buy something from a stranger, does that preclude them from this question? What about gifts? True, a gift doesn't come from a stranger. But where did your good buddy who gave you the gift get it from? That's right. Stranger! Has this question EVER resulted in successfully thwarting any sort of malicious activity? Where are all of the headlines in the papers that say, ''Illegal activity averted thanks to clever questions asked by ticketing agent.'' This is not a joke. This is serious business. Other ticketing agents in the past have asked me a more specific question: ''Have your bags been within your control since you've packed them?'' Now THAT is a good question. The other question asking if I have EVER received ANYTHING from a stranger has got to be the STUPIDEST question to ask, ever. Of course, I was punished for raising a stink about this. They forced me to go through the Giant Suitcase Sniffy Machine in the corner of the terminal. I was also re-searched before I was allowed to get on the plane. For some reason the metal detector at the regular security gate was going off whenever they put the wand under my armpits. The security chick asked if I had any metal under my arms. ''My underarm deodorant has aluminum in it.'' ''Really?'' she asked. ''Yessss.'' I love the airport.

The torsion spring on my garage door snapped yesterday. Cost for repair? About $500. When the spring snapped in two it sounded like a gunshot going off followed very quickly by the garage door slamming shut and finally the garage door opener grinding its gears trying tragically to lift the full weight of the door. My roommate didn't coming running to see if I'd had my ass capped when it broke. I walked back in and asked if she'd heard the commotion and she calmly said ''yes'' without batting an eye. I must be really tense. I need to get through all of this home repair business so I can get straight to the Hot Tub purchase. I almost want to put the hot tub in the kitchen. I don't like eating at a table in there. I want my hot tub!

I am flying back to the Cincinatti airport where I will have a brief layover. The Starbucks there always closes down its ''bar'' by the time I arrive. Anything that isn't just normal coffee is what they classify as their bar. I am considering calling them as soon as the door to the plane opens so I can demand that they hold a Tall Caramel Apple Cider for me.

I am going to take another stab at writing a skit. I have only written a handful of them in my life although I have never had enough actors to populate them. I wrote something I'd hoped to get into the Senior Showoffs, a fund raising show held yearly by seniors at Jersey Village High School. My skit was fairly bad. I probably still have it on my TI Professional computer from 1984 up in the attic. It is still running MS DOS v5.0 if I remember correctly. It has a 5 1/4 inch floppy drive, too, so that's gonna seriously suck. I have some interesting email from the 1980's that I will share once I do that. Perhaps during Vacation IV: 2001 which starts December 14th. Be there.

My Houston buddies have been in Vegas since last Thursday. Bastards! What about me, your friend working in Philly? I may just drive to Atlantic City sometime this week to spite them. Pictures of me having a good time will follow.