fine whine

2000.10.27 8.52

Noticing a lot of dorky instructions on things as of late. Bought HP 5370 Scanner. Had full motion video instructions on how to plug in all cables. One of the videos showed me how to put the plug into a wall outlet. Duh. This morning opened up bag of oatmeal and read instructions. 'For thicker oatmeal, add less water. For thinner oatmeal, add more water.' Duh.

Dad called me last night and we talked of Playstation 2. Plays Playstation 1 games. Plays DVDs. Plays Playstation 2 games. How can you lose? Here's how: only 500,000 will be available through the end of the year. There is demand for several million. Go to eBay and check out the insanity. Shortages are cool.

My mom found a little black dog and brought him to my yard. Can't stand him. He's a whiner. If he does something wrong, he runs and hides, so 'correction' isn't easy. He's a freaking wuss. He is outside right now moaning like a cat. The bassett hound is most likely plotting his death. Also, hope that real owner of this yellow bellied mutt puts up 'Lost Gutless Dog' signs and this can end. He has at least 15 different ways to blubber and cry. Comforting him doesn't help as he starts right up after I leave. Ugh. As I type this he is outside trying to escape the yard through a one inch gap under the gate. I hope he makes it.

Finding days are getting shorter. Period between being awake and alert and feeling sleepy seems to be getting smaller. Forced myself to stay up til' 1 AM last night to prove point. Walked into bedroom thereafter and crashed. Woke up late. Doh! Think I'll go outside and scare the new dog one more time before I leave.

alternative reality

2000.10.24 20.27

Got my Mr. Fusion in the mail yesterday. Lookie here. And here. Watched last minute of Back to the Future last night. Almost laughable how blatantly obvious a coffee grinder is being used for the Mr. Fusion piece. Foresee myself in Home Depot trying to find pieces to complete project. Also foresee myself in Home Depot buying things to satisfy Home Improvement urges.

Had sudden bright idea on way home to buy toy guns and paint them black. Matrix costume would be more complete. Went to TRU. Found cool looking fake-o Nerf brand gun, but cost was $20. Frowned. Walked through whole store and found amazing supply of jack doodie. Guess toy guns went out of style or ain't legal no mo. In 1986 I bought an extremely realistic AK-47 water pistol. I miss it. Bastard friend named Lenny borrowed it once and it was returned busted ass broken. Maybe a visit to Ebay is in order. So, I take the $20 weapon to the price scanner in hopes it had been discounted. Holy Crap! Total cost only 90 cents. Woah. I bought all 4 off the shelf. Decided I'd buy an aluminum scooter with all the cash I just saved. Sales kick ass! Plan to dig out the metallic black spray paint and go to town on Nerf guns. More later. Star Trek on. Must satisfy my Trekkie urges.

Added freak piece on sushi yesterday. Yum.

mugged

2000.10.24 8.01

Played the Snooze Button game for one hour this morning. Crawled out of bed. Took shower. Gave back shower when done. Used electric razor to shave. Looked for breakfast food in fridge. Found none. Patted my fat belly and decided I'd survive. Keeping belly in case of nuclear war. I figure all the people with 6-pack stomachs will be dead within a week while me and the people who saved up some chub will be playing Kick The Bones for weeks thereafter. Drove to work. Took pretty picture of a muggy sun. Listened to Bare Naked Ladies album Maroon on way to work. The song Pinch Me kicks ass. Watch the video. Laugh a little.

Still plotting what to be for Halloween. Might just stick with my homemade Matrix suit. Found out a friend of mine knows a guy who makes costumes and has molds for Batman masks. My mouth is frothing in geek freak anticipation. Either that or I'm hungry for breakfast.

hella irritated

2000.10.22 22.22

Very irritated right now by certain people (that I don't work with, rest assured my work friends). Want to lash out. Realize that when my other friends are as pissed as this and lash out, it sucks major bigtime. Trying to hold in lashing out urge. Saw Simpsons episode years ago where Marge tells Lisa to take her thoughts and shove them down as far as she can, to where she is almost standing on them. Hide your emotions, in other words. Wonder if impressionable kids took that advice to heart, not realizing it was a joke.

Listing to new all 80's station, 106.9. Heard loop tape they play screw up few days ago. The Police's Roxanne was barely making its way, stopping, starting, stopping, starting. Wanted to call someone to get them to take damn tape out. No DJs on that station. Seen this before. Station suddenly fires everyone and changes formats. Play cool and catchy tunes that aren't played anymore. Eventually DJs are hired and station goes to hell. I listen to ShoutCast to avoid this crap. But right now punky 80s hits are playing non stop by the station. Life is good. Wondering if they will sell the tapes when they hire a DJ to jack things up.

Driving DeLorean exclusively this weekend. Have to clean rust off screws and repaint with Rustoleum metallic black paint. Doing this totally sucks. Want to throw a party for friends. Offering free beer, 80s radio, and chance to rub rust off a s**tload of screws and get high from spraypaint fumes. Passively, of course. Plan to wear gas mask, myself.

done done done

2000.10.19 14.11

Here's aforementioned coffee grinder. Bought off Ebay for $80. Kick ass.

Took blog break. For those not yet in the know, blog = web log. Went to court today for 42 MPH in a 20 MPH school zone and bad inspection sticker tickets. My lawyer, a John Larroquet look-alike, paced around entire time. Cop took forever to show. Sucka shows up at last minute. Bee-otch. Inspection sticker case dismissed. Woo. Got deferred adjudication for speeding case. Have to avoid Houston PD tickets til' after 3/21/2001. Considering move to London to avoid HPD. Walked out of courthouse and found ticket on car that said, 'Parked on Wrong Side of Road, Pay us $20, sucka.' Glanced at parking meter and saw plenty of time left. Looked at road. Looked at car. Car was parked in opposite direction of traffic. Bastards. Guess this is how they teach everyone about this law. Trying to think of way to get back at city for $20. HPDSUCKS.com domain is available. Hmmmm.

Saw lots of people with shaved heads today. Got a big scar on my head when it met up with corner of brick wall in 1979. Dude in courtroom with short-short hair had scar just like me. Shaped like Florida. Got haircut few days ago which made me notice these things. Feel lighter now. Stronger. Matter of fact, if I run fast enough, I turn into Superman. Don't tell anyone.

nothin' but face

2000.10.15 17.30

Played basketball today. Played only two games. I suck at half-court. The rules suck. Got hit in face while I was substituting for another player. Jerald apparently pushed him one step closer to death. This guy's mouth started up as soon as he walked on the court and didn't stop, even after his buddies drove him to the hospital. Guess there is a limit to who can play. If you've got heart problems, don't mess with our basketball team. We'll kill you. Literally.

Sharp cheddar and Nabisco Wheat Thins are awesome together. FYI. They're like the total opposite of Dennis Miller and Monday Night Football.

Statistics are kicking ass again. Posted just one message on Back to the Future official site and hits shot up. Yay.

Visitors for last week divided per weekday:
2000-10-08: 78
2000-10-09: 97
2000-10-10: 90
2000-10-11: 183
2000-10-12: 270
2000-10-13: 124
2000-10-14: 155

survivor

2000.10.14 12.36

Survived Friday the 13th. Girlfriend and I broke up. Noticed updates on her site immediately reflected this after a few hours. Made similar updates. Not upset. Amicable. Time to lose some weight. This will be done via exercise or if I strand myself on a deserted island with a bunch of freaks. Noticed that my house is hella dirty. Need change of venue. Pondering move into attic. Bought big ass bottles of Windex, Pledge, and Formula 409. Wonder what happened to the other 408 formulas they came up with before striking paydirt with 409.

full frontal labotomy

Got sniffles. Trying to pass it to as many people as possible in order to gain more empathy. Took two hours to lick every Ozarka drinking cup in the break room.

As usual, car and dog are in need of wash. If I could teach dog to wash car, problem solved.

the search for mr. fusion

Been looking for an old coffee grinder from the 1970s and it appears my hunt may be nearly over. Have to wait. Be patient. Must not tell anyone. Hmmm. Does writing about it in my journal, which the entire earth can read, invalidate that?

Added cam portals to the site. Next cam portal topic? Ugly Dudes.

pinch me

2000.10.11 11.34

Finding myself faced with mysteries of life. What do Canadians call American cheese? And do they call Canadian bacon the same thing? Maybe they call the cheese North American cheese. I don't get it. Did Canada invent the Canadian bacon? Does it have to come from Canada? What if someone in Ohio makes it exactly the same way Canadians do... what the hell then? Called Domino's Pizza in effort to resolve this and started quizzing phone guy. Asked him if their Canadian bacon was really Canadian. Bastards are quick to hang up you if you sound like a smart ass. Called back and asked if they had Canadian Cheese. Hung up on me again! On third call a manager answers and asks me if I'm the guy asking stupid questions. I say, "Do you mean this coupon isn't any good?" Confused manager guy asks if I've been talking crazy about Canadian bacon. I say, "This coupon doesn't mention Canadian bacon. Do I have to order Canadian bacon for the coupon to work?" Manager guy apologizes and says he confused me with someone else. Asked for my order. I say, "I'd like one pizza, raw, with Canadian bacon, but only as long as you can document that the bacon is in fact from Canada." Click! Decided that tomorrow I'm calling the Canadian Embassey to clear this up.

yeah, I'd like to buy ''i just called to say i love you'' -- no you don't

2000.10.08 10.48

Went to downtown Italian restaurant on evening of 2000.10.02. Manicotti. Don't know what's in it. Love it. Almost went to high society Italian joint before settling on this new place. Tried to speak Italian later that evening. Bad Italian police pulled me over and ticketed me for poor grammar. Assigned me 30 hours community service and required double viewing of Godfather I and II.

Spent first day of my vacation on 2000.10.03 and didn't do jack. Surfed til' I turned blue. Went to mall and did Papa Smurf impressions after reaching Smurf Blue shade. Got phone call from MasterCard. Asked me if I wanted a Titanium Mastercard. Did my Crazy Old Man impression. Asked Mastercard person if card was made out of real titanium. Got put on hold. Person came back and said no. Person went on to say Gold Mastercards aren't really made of gold. Became furious and threatened lawsuit. Said, "I thought my gold card was made of gold! Used it to get $1000 loan from seedy Pawn shop back in 1997." Mastercard person hung up on me. That evening went to Bare Naked Ladies concert at Woodland Pavillions. Sat in 6th row, pit area. Lady cutting ticket in half was all, "Woo woo... so you get to sit in the pit, you lucky loo!" Asked if pit was good. Ticket cutting chick confirmed that pit was good. Went to pit. Pit was awesome. Could see beads of sweat on both opening band Guster and on the Ladies. Had freaking great time. Took Oktober to show. Gonna take Laura to next concert I go to. Hoping for Marilyn Manson, Madonna, or Anne Murray tickets. My new ticket theory is -- if it isn't sixth row or closer, I'm not going... unless it's Anne Murray. Wondering how long I can heckle Anne Murray before being thrown out of concert by irate mob of ugly people.

Thought about things to do on 2000.10.04. Spent day organizing plans. Rescheduled.

Drove DeLorean to DeLorean Motor Company in southwest Houston on 2000.10.05. Went to lunch with Jerald at moderately okay Mesquite Chicken place near Town & Country mall. Picked up girlfriend from airport. Didn't know what flight she was on. Tried to find out from Continent ticket people. Told me they couldn't confirm if someone was on plane or not. Made sad puppy dog face to old Continental ticket lady. She then told me she could confirm if someone had a reservation on the plane. Had to walk to each possible terminal and ask. Last one was charm. Got there 5 minutes before plane people exited. Drove girlfriend home and played Guster CDs.

Took my Eclipse to Shields Firestone on 2000.10.06. Got slow leak fixed. Got alignment done. Got balancing done. Asked if shop could balance Goodyear Eagle GT tires on a DeLorean. Firestone guy is named Jimmy. Jimmy scratched his head, thought a minute, thought some more. Jimmy looked up at ceiling, then down at floor. Said, "Well, maybe, depending on the size of the tires." Told Jimmy tires were normal car tires. Jimmy said he needed more info. Made impatient face when Jimmy turned his back. Made normal face when Jimmy swung back around. Drove car home. Tried to go to Numbers but failed. Rented High Fidelity instead. Excellent damn movie. Hits exactly on how guys act, how they feel, stupid thoughts they have because they are guys. Should rename the movie Chromosome Y. Want to buy it.

On 2000.10.07 saw The Exorcist for first time in a theater. Never saw it from start to end before. Long boring sequences of character development. Bleah. Sometimes I would rather learn character development Matrix-style by shoving it into a hole in the back of my head. Stupid teenagers in theater walked out half-way through show and then started yelling their friend's name out loud. Wanted to hop rail and kick some ass. Instead, yelled, "LOSER!" and got minor laughs from audience, albeit unexpectedly.

Forgot to return High Fidelity on 2000.10.08. Cursed at self for not updating journal. Hooked up camera I'd bought earlier in week. Little 'Matrix Cam' updates every 10 seconds when cam is on. Noticing that I type with my mouth open. Trying to leave cam window on screen to make sure I always look cool. Best angle for me hurts neck. Considering visit to chiropractor so I can maintain attractive head angle. Got statistics for site now that move to MarkShields.com is complete:

Visitors for last week divided per weekday:
2000-10-01: 34
2000-10-02: 49
2000-10-03: 26
2000-10-04: 16
2000-10-05: 26
2000-10-06: 23
2000-10-07: 56

Sucks. Considering buying one of those misspelled domain names to increase traffic. Can't think of decent misspellings write now. Sigh.

replication

2000.10.02 6.14

Different dudes running MarkWahlberg.com now. Sorta. Message base and CGIs are jacked. Making copy 'just in case.' New host dudes found my mini David Schwimmer site and want to buy it. Woo hoo! Took pics of both David and Seth Green while teaching a web agency in New York how to make ZIP files. Seriously. Stood outside David Letterman theater hoping to find a scalper. Found pushy CBS Page chick instead. Asked her if she knew where the scalpers hung out. CBS Page chick scoffed and said, "They'd better not be out here!" Cursed under breath. Saw big crowd on side of building just waiting. Waited with them. Asked dude waiting there what we were waiting for. Dude says, "Guests!" Thought he said, "Guess!" Cursed under breath again. Big ass limo pulls up and Seth Green hops out. Camera in hand, I snap shots. After 10 minutes of pleasant interaction with fans, Seth goes into studio. Next limo pulls up and David Schwimmer hops out. Saw his hairstyle and got jealous. Cursed a third time. Snapped more pictures and wondered how long before scientists can implant cool hair genes.

Girlfriend out of town. Already miss her. Wondering if pillows in bed will suffice. Doubting it.

Dyed hair on Sunday. Blue-black. Need haircut. Looked like Elvis impersonator because of dye stains on skin below my sideburns. Went to Mervyn's to show off Elvis sideburns. Wanted to say "Thank you. Thank you very much." to people at random. Kids outside changing rooms should be cuffed to the wall. Making mental note to send letter to Mervyn's CEO. Saw ugly people to attractive people ratio at Mervyns was skewed towards ugly people. Remembered my Elvis sideburns. Covered up face and kept low profile.

Thought about lip gloss. Wondered why there's no lip gloss for guys. Changed tune when realization hit me that lip gloss is sexually attractive. Lip gloss can be removed in many interesting ways. Made a happy-stupid smile. Realized I was happy-stupid smiling in a Mervyns. Covered up sideburns again and hid in corner.